Sylvia Rimm on Raising Kids by Dr. Sylvia Rimm

Editor's Note: Sylvia Rimm is off. The following column has been published in the past few years.

Q: I'm raising my 7-year-old granddaughter. She and her mom live with me. My daughter is bipolar and addicted to pills and alcohol. She wants respect from her daughter. Is that possible when she's in a "high" state and walking around home in a stupor? I go to Al-Anon and struggle with her addiction.

My daughter's fine when she's sober, but we're always arguing when she isn't sober. I've told her to move out, but she won't because I have her daughter. I've put up with this for 25 years. She's been in a treatment center for the last three years, talks to counselors and goes to AA. What should I do?

A: You have good reason to be tired of your daughter's addictions, but because she's in treatment and is continuing to work on her problems, please don't give up. She has double problems, also called a dual diagnosis. The combination of bipolar disorder and addiction is extremely difficult, because the addiction makes the disorder worse and the depression from the bipolar disorder makes resisting drugs more difficult. Your daughter must also be struggling as she recognizes her inability to raise her own daughter. She may even be blaming you for her own problems.

It's really important for you not to continue to argue with your daughter in front of your granddaughter. It will not only cause the 7-year-old to feel insecure, but it will also encourage her disrespect, first for her mother and later for you. Yes, being united, supportive and positive — even with all the stress of addiction — can make a huge, positive difference for your daughter and granddaughter.

Consider that when you and your daughter argue, you are both training your granddaughter to argue and talk back by modeling that as typical communication. Consider explaining to your granddaughter that her mother has a bad illness and that you're trying to help her to get better. When people are sick, others shouldn't be disrespectful, only helpful and patient. If you can support your daughter in her mothering and even give her some praise for good things she plans with her daughter, and she can stay united with you and be respectful toward you, your granddaughter has a better chance of growing up healthfully.

I know you've tried for a long time, so it seems a lot to ask for you to keep trying. You and your daughter should get some counseling together on how to share parenting your granddaughter in a united and respectful way — not easy under these circumstances. In my book "How To Parent So Children Will Learn" (Great Potential Press, 2008), chapter two, "A United Front," could also be helpful to you.

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Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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