Sylvia Rimm on Raising Kids by Dr. Sylvia Rimm

Q. My 5-year-old son has started kindergarten. He's never been aggressive and has always respected boundaries with caretakers. On the other hand, my 3-year-old nephew, whom my son has been with in day care two days a week, is extremely aggressive. He does lots of hard pushing, pulling on clothes, taking toys, screaming and biting. He's bitten my son six times in the last nine months. My sister-in-law yells at him, but it doesn't seem to help.

Here's my question: What does it mean if my son isn't even interested in defending himself? He doesn't want my nephew to get into trouble, but he also doesn't want to be around him. He never likes kids who are touchy, pushy or invade his space. They ruin whole days for him! He has tremendous respect for the space of other kids. A kid at school told my son to stop following him, and my son hasn't spoken to him since. His feelings weren't hurt at all. I've read recently that some aggression means that kids are demonstrating signs of being able to defend themselves and get what they want. We've signed our son up for karate, which he loves. His teachers also love him. I'm worried about school. I'm worried he'll back down to others and be unhappy. How can I teach him more confidence and that it's OK to defend himself? We tell him it's OK (especially Dad!), but he still doesn't seem to do it. Should we worry?

A. While we don't want children not to defend themselves, your description of your kindergartner doesn't raise any red flags in my mind. He loves his cousin who is, after all, two years younger than him.

It's wrong to expect an older child to hit a younger child back. Instead, he should walk away or report the problem to a parent. He seems to know to do both. You can compliment him on his good judgment and kindness.

On the other hand, if children his age are targeting him for teasing, you would have reason to be concerned, but you haven't described that. There's no great merit in teaching your son to be a fighter, even in self-defense. Consider also that children are born with different temperaments and not being aggressive doesn't equate with lacking self-confidence. Hopefully, you'll be pleasantly surprised at his adjustment to kindergarten.

In case you're concerned that your son will be bullied, karate is good for building self-confidence, and soccer is also an excellent sport for teaching children to be more assertive. Other sports are also effective as he gets older. The advantage of sports for teaching assertiveness is that they have clear rules, expectations and limits.

You can also send for my newsletter about how to stop bullying by sending a large, self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or go to www.sylviarimm.com for more parenting information.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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