Sylvia Rimm on Raising Kids by Dr. Sylvia Rimm

Q: I have an 11-year-old daughter from a previous marriage and will soon bring a new baby home. Any tips or articles that you could recommend to help us with this exciting change in our lives would be very much appreciated.

A: An 11-year span between your children can actually be reasonably easy for both kids. Although sibling rivalry won't entirely disappear, it will likely be minimal, compared to children who are closer in age. Your daughter will naturally feel some jealousy as attention is focused on the baby, but she can be so involved in helping care for the baby that she's likely to cope with those feelings quite easily. You can encourage her by appreciating her help and skills in assisting you. She'll love some of the child care, and the baby will adore her.

I can't promise that everything will go well all of the time. There are some pitfalls, so perhaps I can help you avoid those potential problems. First, don't expect your daughter to give up her own healthy extracurricular activities for child care. While you can expect her to help some, too many responsibilities will not only cause her to resent her sibling, but it will also empower her to feel too much like an adult. That may cause her to not only get quite "bossy," but encourage her to assume she no longer needs to comply with your requests and limits. Adolescence could become difficult.

The pitfall for your new child is partially the same risk that applies to all only children, even though your child won't be an only. It is very easy to treat your new baby like a king or queen, giving or doing too much for him or her. There will be three, not two, big people catering to the baby of the family. Babies and toddlers surrounded by attention are usually delightful, but attention-addicted children can easily feel attention deprived when they enter school and have to share attention with a class full of other children.

Obviously, you will all love this new baby, and love causes no problem as long as children are raised with the V of love. The V of love advises that when little children are at the base of the V, they're to receive little freedom, few choices and only a small amount of power — all matched with very little responsibility. Choices, power and freedom increase as they mature, and these privileges are matched with increased responsibilities. Thus, children feel gradually empowered and reasonably confident.

If you, as parents, invert the V and give young children too much freedom, power and too many choices, they become accustomed to making all the decisions about themselves before they are ready to make responsible choices. Parents become angry, frustrated and often overpunish and take power away as consequences for problem behaviors — leaving children feeling powerless, angry, negative or depressed. If children are empowered too early, the teenage years can feel impossible to children and parents alike.

I hope I haven't caused you to feel overly worried about welcoming your new child because the negatives I've warned against don't have to happen at all. For your reading pleasure, we can send you newsletters on topics, such as welcoming the new baby, sibling rivalry, "How to Parent so Children Will Learn" and "From Overempowerment to Underachievement." Please send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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