Q: I read your recent column regarding the situation with the 5-year-old girl at school and child abuse reporting and wanted to point out something about your wording choice that I'd like to question. The sentence you wrote was, "If children or adults, boys or girls, touch her private parts or touch her in any way that makes her feel uncomfortable..."

My issue is with the word "uncomfortable," as illustrated by my story below.

We recently found out that a third-grade boy in our neighborhood was repeatedly abused by a 12-year-old boy (also in our neighborhood) over a four-year time period. The abused child's parents visited with us to share information they learned from our local health agency and law enforcement officials. The most important thing we were told was that young children aren't necessarily aware of what "uncomfortable" touching is, so we need to remove the word "uncomfortable" and replace it with "any" touching of inappropriate areas. Then we need to specifically show and tell children what those areas are (as you already stated in your column). In this sad case of our neighbor's son, the abuser made friends with him over a period of time and then essentially seduced him through play. Nothing "felt uncomfortable" to our friend's son, so he didn't know any of it was wrong, and his parents only told him to watch out for "uncomfortable" activities. It was only as he got older that he realized something wasn't right about the older boy wanting to see him privately all the time and his asking him to keep everything a secret. He finally went to his parents. I think all parents could learn from this, as our issue with discomfort and touching is something I believe we learn as we get older.

We've personally taken this experience and re-addressed our talks with both of our children. It's so heartbreaking to witness abuse happening to someone we know. The family is truly devastated, and my heart also goes out to the young teenager, as he surely must have been abused himself.

Thank you for taking the time to read my letter.

A: Thanks so much to our reader for pointing out what should be obvious to us all. Sexual abuse doesn't always feel uncomfortable to young children, and it may actual feel very loving and special. Abusers are experts at convincing children that what they're doing is good, right and loving.

It's time to change the conversation and be explicit to young children about the privacy of their private parts. Also, convincing children that they can tell their parents anything could help children reveal abusers when they're uncertain of whether they've been loved or abused. As we know by the news, abusers can be family members, sports coaches and even religious leaders. While we don't want to frighten our children or harm the reputation of so many wonderful community leaders who contribute so much, we need to clarify our messages to children.

Remind them that private parts shouldn't be touched by anyone but appropriate doctors or themselves. This message may help them identify apparently caring people's inappropriate touching. When potential abusers are stopped in their tracks, it could prevent abuse to all our children.

For a free newsletter about "How to Parent So Children Will Learn" (Great Potential Press, 2008) and gender issues, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope for each newsletter to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.