Q: Our son just turned 4. We had enrolled him in a Montessori school nearby. Before then, he stayed home with me, with occasional visits to a local drop in daycare. Before that, he's was with nannies for a few hours at a time during the summer.

Our son is quite contented at school, except he won't utter a word to either his teachers or to the kids. He nods, shakes his head and does whatever he's told. He plays by himself on the playground.

At home, he talks constantly and sings the songs he hears at school. He's assertive and recently, he's even been a bit aggressive with his 8-year-old sister and me. He more than adequately expresses himself with us at home. He appears very intelligent and likes to play for hours with blocks and cars by himself. He arranges them in patterns of colors and shows them to me.

I'm concerned that he's not talking at all in school. I wonder if he has social anxiety? I've observed the teacher being "controlling" and "micromanaging" the classroom. She has "sit this way" "walk this way" and "talk this way" kind of rules. Is this school not a good fit for him?

A: When children talk normally in most environments but don't talk at all in a particular environment, that disorder is referred to as "selective mutism." Why children select not to talk when they're perfectly capable of expressing themselves is a more difficult question to answer, and it isn't one I can answer in my column. I can tell you that if it continues for a long time, it seems more difficult to change, but most children eventually begin speaking. Here are some suggestions for things that I've found helpful for other children.

I usually ask teachers not to discuss the child's not talking with other children or the class so that your son doesn't get class attention for not talking. Talking about him may set an expectation for him that's hard for him to change. It's also important that you, his dad or other family members don't discuss the issue within your son's hearing for similar reasons.

You can set up a private agreement with the teacher whereby she gives your son, without much fuss or attention, a ticket to take home to you when she hears him talking to her or others. He can save the tickets, and when he earns five tickets, you could get him a small prize. Again, this can be done quite casually, although I'm sure you'll be excited when he gets his first ticket. If you treat it routinely, he'll be more likely to continue and earn more tickets. Strangely enough, if parents make a fuss and get excited for him when children earn their first ticket, they may withdraw again. I'm not sure why this happens, but it often does.

Another technique that may help him socialize is having him bring a friend from school home for a play date. Once he begins talking to a friend at home, he may also talk to that friend in school, which will then encourage him to talk to others as well. He could also visit a friend's home to become comfortable with another child's parents. If these suggestions aren't effective in the next few weeks, it's best that you take your son to a psychologist for an evaluation and therapy. Sometimes it's quite easy to get children talking again, and sometimes it takes longer. It should be reassuring to you to know that he's verbal and assertive at home.

As to your concern about his school, many preschools teach children specific school routines. Once children feel confident about the rules of school, they feel more secure. You should decide by your own observation, but if most of the children seem happy, giving your son time to adjust to this school may be easier for him than adjusting a second time to a new school.

For a free newsletter about raising preschoolers, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.