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Medical Resident Has Little Time for Family
Q: My husband is a medical resident and works more than 10 hours a day and often on weekends. We have a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old, and I often feel like a single parent. My children (especially the 3-year-old) are old enough to notice. Do you have …Read more.
Sister Competition Is Normal
Q: I'm trying to take your advice about encouraging my daughters so we can be a "whole, smart family," but it's not working. My 6-year-old daughter's very good at art, for example, and my 5-year-old's fixated on trying to be as good. No …Read more.
Teen May Have Poor Social Skills
Q: My youngest daughter is 15 years old and in the ninth grade at a challenging academic magnet school. She's doing well enough in school, but I'm concerned about her social skills. To put it bluntly, she can be a bore. She seems happy and has some …Read more.
Daughter Fearful When Tested
Q: Could you tell me what affects what a child considers to be a bad grade and how she reacts to it? I also wonder why my daughter sometimes says she "blanks" on tests, even if she's studied. Do you think she has test anxiety, and is that …Read more.
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Peer Pressure Can Be DifficultQ. My 10-year-old daughter is in fifth grade and has self-esteem and confidence issues. She's a very good student, enjoys playing the oboe, writing stories and is a gifted artist. She's always been a pretty happy, outgoing person and a good friend, but sensitive and emotional. She's never really been assertive at school, but lately she slinks around as if she doesn't want to be seen and seems very unhappy. Her teacher said her posture and demeanor exhibit low self-esteem and she's not speaking up in class. This isn't like her at all. She goes to a small parochial school where there's one class per grade and only 14 students in her class, seven of whom are girls. She's had two really good friends since second grade. She's noticing that the "popular" girl in her class doesn't invite her to sleepovers and has heard that this girl is saying hurtful things about her. At lunchtime they eat at their desks and are allowed to move to a friend's desk. Recently her friends have been sitting with the popular girl while she's sitting alone. I asked her if she could ask one of her good friends to sit with her at lunchtime. She said, "No, I can't say that. She'll be mad at me." I know my daughter didn't do anything to bring this on. She's always been a good friend and has never complained about friends. She's shy and unsure of herself and says she doesn't like herself. Her friends gravitate toward popularity and away from her. I know this "cliquey" stuff is normal at this age and I don't want to get involved or fight her battles, but how I can help boost her confidence and self-esteem? She's tried extracurricular soccer, gymnastics and softball. She hasn't enjoyed them because she didn't feel successful and was the only one on the teams who didn't go to school in the area. Also, there aren't any kids in the neighborhood, so she doesn't even have a neighborhood friend. A. The great advantage of small classes is that they can provide excellent instruction, but an unfortunate disadvantage during early adolescence is the peer pressure that may emerge if a few mean girls take leadership.
The teacher and the school counselor have some responsibility for teaching kindness as well. Your daughter is being bullied, and small parochial schools usually take bullying seriously. Perhaps the teacher could observe if there's anything your daughter is doing to contribute to her being victimized, and your daughter could meet with the school counselor to improve her social skills if she has some problems. Please understand that I'm not blaming the problem on your daughter, but it's always possible that she isn't assertive enough and appears vulnerable. The child who's doing the bullying also needs help and, in the long run, may have the greatest problem. Comfort your daughter by telling her that many successful women whose childhoods I researched for "See Jane WinŽ" (Crown Publishing, 1999) struggled with being bullied during the middle grades. They often overcame their problems by finding a few close friends or some special interests that helped build their confidence. The stories will help your daughter feel better about not being alone with her problem and while it's not fun overcoming it, it's part of becoming strong, resilient and successful. My book "See Jane Win for Girls" (Free Spirit Publishing, 2003) and "Stand Up for Yourself & Your Friends" by Patti Kelly Criswell (American Girl, 2009) may also be helpful for you and your daughter to read and discuss together. For free newsletters about raising girls with optimism and resilience, or about bullying, or social skills, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or go to www.sylviarimm.com for more parenting information. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com. COPYRIGHT 2009 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.
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