Q: My husband and I are not on the same page when it comes to handling bad attitudes and behaviors our children have. I have talked to him about this, and he agrees we need to fix this but we have yet to change. For instance, I tell the kids to clean their rooms, and they sulk and stomp. The whining annoys me, so I insist they do it right away. My husband just ignores the situation. The kids tune me out until their Dad loses his temper, and then they get to work.

Sometimes they will get Dad's permission to do something they know I would say no to. Our kids play us against each other, and I am afraid that as they get older it will only get worse. Overall we are a happy family and we as parents agree on many of the important things, but the daily grind of parenting is becoming a problem. Should I make a poster of rules and expectations for the kids, so it's all written out and clear?

A: While every child tries to get his way once in a while by manipulating one parent against the other, if it becomes a regular ritual it does cause serious problems. It over-empowers a child who then learns he or she has no boundaries. A parent's request or a "no" can easily be overturned, and the child gains more power than at least one of his parents. Children who don't learn to accept a "no" or a limit from parents, typically get into trouble and become rebellious by adolescence.

In the example you've given where your husband loses his temper, I wondered if you reminded the children that they should do their chores before they cause their dad's anger. I am hoping you don't tell your husband not to lose his temper because if you do, and the children hear you, the children are again dividing you.

I love your idea of coming together as a family and making some clear family rules. Try to have only a few, no more than three or four, but include as number one that "Children must never ask a second parent for anything after one parent has said NO." That is a primary rule for united parenting. When I ask children in my clinic the question about whether they can get one parent to side with them after the other parent has given them a no, I get a variety of answers. Many are successful, but those whose parents are united, will say clearly, "We're not allowed to do that at our house." They have learned to respect both parents.

It will be helpful to you if you don't give too rapid yes's and no's to major requests, but let your children know that you and dad will talk things over. It's good for them to understand that parents may have differences but they come together in a respectful discussion and compromise their differences.

If you decide to have family meetings, you could also discuss chores and develop a chore chart to hang on a kitchen bulletin board or the refrigerator. There are some chores that children should do daily and other chores your children can rotate weekly. They can make a checkmark in the chart when they complete each chore. After they develop good habits, you won't need the chart, but it's a good starter. Be assured, you're not alone in your daily struggle.

For a free newsletter about parenting with a united front, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope for each newsletter and a note with your topic request to address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.