Sylvia Rimm on Raising Kids by Dr. Sylvia Rimm

Q. My children have the good fortune of attending an elementary and middle school with an accelerated curriculum. Because of the high demand for their particular school, it is tough to get in and parents have this "I won the lottery" feeling and tend to overlook classroom management systems in use by teachers, some of which are not respectful of the children. Our school is rare and special in many ways and educators there have enjoyed a general lack of oversight from anyone in establishing their classroom rules.

For example, one of my son's third grade teachers, as an established policy, throws away children's work that has no name on it without an interim step (such as marking it down a grade). She feels that throwing away the child's work without any chance for recourse is a necessary consequence. My husband and I met with the teacher and the School Director (who takes a very "hands off" approach to classroom policy) last fall. Both educators defended her harsh policy, which I find very disheartening. There is no indication that they will change a thing. I have not exaggerated the situation in the least.

What are your thoughts on this policy for third graders? Have you witnessed other gifted schools having great curriculums but not having great approaches to classroom discipline? What can we do? I know I am supposed to be grateful that my children are challenged academically, but why does that mean I must accept any and all harsh rules that some of the more controlling teachers cook up? I am out of ideas but not out of hope.

A. I would not side with you against teacher rules without hearing the teacher's perspective on the discipline you described, but parents and teachers sometimes disagree on discipline approaches. For your children's sake, you'll need to support their teachers to them or they'll feel empowered to ignore their teacher's expectations.

In general, teachers who are both positive and firm are most effective, and it is possible that the very same teacher who threw away children's nameless works could be very effective in encouraging their learning and confidence.

If your children think the teacher is unfair, you could remind them they will never have to worry about the consequence if they simply double check to be sure they've included their names on their papers. They actually learned to do that in kindergarten so it's reasonable to expect 100 percent compliance by third grade.

A parents' advisory committee is often an effective approach for a principal to hear parents' concerns and review them with the teaching staff. You may wish to discuss the idea with other parents first and go as a group to discuss the possibility with the principal. An advisory group can benefit both teachers and parents because it can also increase parent support for teachers if it commits to two-way communication. While a parent advisory group would not necessarily have the power to change a teacher's approaches to discipline, it's likely that parents would at least receive clarification and teachers might modify approaches based on parents' concerns.

For free newsletters about a united front or discipline, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094. Read Dr. Rimm's Parenting Articles or submit family questions online at www.sylviarimm.com. All submitted questions are answered.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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