Sylvia Rimm on Raising Kids by Dr. Sylvia Rimm

Q: Our son is now in middle school. He is charming and delightful at home, but he is becoming a troublemaker at school and doesn't want to do homework. He does well in subjects he likes, but he is disorganized and gives up on academics that he doesn't like. He's great when he's helping to manage a group or volunteering in the community.

Our son likes to challenge teachers at school and thinks he is "in charge" of his own life. We overempowered him as a small child, but now we want to take back our authority and we don't know how.

A: There are two issues here for you to consider, but neither is easy. The first problem relates to the peer pressure that takes place in middle school. Children's general desire to please adults diminishes significantly in middle school and instead they are often anxious to fit in with peers. Thus the peer group your son belongs to can make a dramatic difference in the ease or difficulty you will have in his taking his studies more seriously. If his friends are high achievers it will be easier, but if they are "cool" underachievers, motivating him to accomplish boring tasks like homework will be quite a struggle. If your son is in a negative, underachieving peer group, getting him involved in a few extracurricular activities such as debate, drama, speech, Model U.N., Model Congress, Future Problem Solving, band or orchestra can strengthen his interest in school work because he is more likely to befriend achieving peers. His community leadership will be helpful to his success in these areas.

Second, for your son's overempowerment, you will have to listen positively while he explains his point of view, decide thoughtfully about permission and consequences and be firm and follow through very consistently with your positive or negative decisions.

Also, you can help him to view the outcome of his underachievement and to understand that doors to creative and fulfilling careers will gradually close as his grades decline. Don't ever reassure him that his work is easy. If you do, he will assume he should catch on immediately and not recognize the need for persistence. Instead point out how challenging his schoolwork is becoming and explain that the harder he works the smarter he'll become. Some of the boring tasks he most detests are exercises for his brain, which will improve his performance, much like boring pushups and crunches are exercises for the body that lead to improvement in athletics.

My book "Why Bright Kids Get Poor Grades And What You Can Do About It" (Great Potential Press, 2008) will help you understand how to get into an alliance with your dominant son so that you're not constantly battling him and he learns to understand your boundaries and appreciate all you've already done for him. Part time jobs can help him to understand that he should earn some of the material possessions he takes for granted. It is hard to learn to delay gratification but it's important for him to realize that he will have to wait and work for his wishes. Those three W's may be frustrating to him, but he can't expect to get everything he wants until he actually supports himself and that's very far away.

For free newsletters about growing up too fast, why bright kids get poor grades and what you can do about it, and/or extracurricular activities, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope and a note identifying the topic for each newsletter to address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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