Sylvia Rimm on Raising Kids by Dr. Sylvia Rimm

Q. Your site is very informative, and I have to say that my wife and I were surprised by how perfectly you described our overempowered son. Our question is, if you have already created an overempowered child, what are the steps to reverse the damage? We want to be proactive before things get more problematic because we already have a power struggle in place.

A. You haven't given me your son's age and that makes it difficult to give you guidance. If your son is a preschooler, it's relatively easy to take charge in a positive way by providing the child with fewer choices and timing him out appropriately when he gets out of hand. Instructions for time-outs are on page 36 of my "How to Parent So Children Will Learn" book (Great Potential Press, 2008). Be sure to also praise him for his positive behaviors, so he doesn't feel rejected.

If he's elementary school age or above, I have two guiding ALLIANCE acrostics that will be helpful. Although they're shown below, they're explained in my book "Why Bright Kids Get Poor Grades and What You Can Do About It" (Great Potential Press, 2008) on pages 319 and 153. The first one relates to avoiding getting caught in continual arguing.

Parent Anti-Arguing ALLIANCE

Ally with a positive statement of interest.

Listen to what the child says.

Learn about what the child is thinking.

Inquire to determine if there are other issues missed.

Answer wisely only after taking time to think about the request.

Name two or three reasons for your response.

Consequence if child reinitiates arguing.

End. Absolutely don't re-engage in the argument.

Here's the ALLIANCE acrostic for reversing the underachievement of overempowered children.

ALLIANCE for Reversing Student Underachievement

Ally with the student privately about interests and concerns.

Listen to what the student says.

Learn about what the student is thinking.

Initiate opportunities for recognition of the student's strengths.

Add experimental ideas for engaging curricular and extracurricular activities.

Nurture relationships with appropriate adult and peer role models.

Consequence reasonably but firmly if student doesn't meet commitments.

Emphasize effort, independence, realistic expectations, how strengths can be used to cope with problems and extend possibilities patiently.

Because these ALLIANCE acrostics are only summaries, I suggest you read more of my materials.

Here are some themes you'll hear in my books regularly. One is take charge of your children: Your son needs you as friendly parents, but not as friends. He has peers for the purpose of friendship. Another is be positive, but firm. A third is stay in an alliance with your children to prevent a power struggle. A fourth is encourage your children to become engaged in developing their strengths. And last, but not least, inspire your children to contribute to making our world a better place by giving of themselves.

For free newsletters about Dr. Rimm's books, "How To Parent so Children Will Learn, Why Bright Kids Get Poor Grades and What You Can Do About It," or "Growing Up Too Fast," send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or read more about these topics at www.sylviarimm.com.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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