Mother Needs to Clean up Her Act Without Soap by Dr. Sylvia Rimm on Creators.com

Recently

Social Anxiety Always Needs Help and Grade Skipping Very Effective for Some Gifted Students Social Anxiety Always Needs Help and Grade Skipping Very Effective for Some Gifted Students Q: How do you know when social anxiety requires more attention (e.g. therapy or medication)? A: A parent is often the first person who can help a socially …Read more. Helping Over-Empowered High-School Students Is Not Easy Q: My question is related to my role as a high-school teacher. I have my master's in special education with a concentration on students with emotional disabilities. I've taught for the last 15 years as either a special education or English teacher, …Read more. When Should a Child be IQ Tested? and Death Is Frightening to Children Q: At what point should IQ testing be conducted? We have an only child — a girl who is in kindergarten. A: There's no specific time that all children should be given individual IQ tests by a psychologist. Schools often arrange for group IQ …Read more. Grandson May be More Difficult During Grandma's Visit Q: I'm concerned about my 2-year-old grandson who seems very needy and demanding. He cries for at least an hour after his mom leaves. Occasionally, distraction works but not often. He says, "It's mine" over and over about everything in his …Read more.

Mother Needs to Clean up Her Act Without Soap

Q: My niece is a normal 2-year-old who pushes the limits as any toddler does. My sister thinks the solution to every problem is to put soap in her mouth or threaten with soap to get her to mind. She doesn't misbehave frequently, but my sister has no patience and my niece suffers for that. My sister also doesn't have a regular routine for her. She doesn't work, so they stay up late and sleep late, except for the times when they have to get up early for doctor's appointments, etc.

My niece can't readjust, so she has rough days when her schedule is interrupted. It's not her fault that my sister can't keep a schedule; my niece pays the price by getting soap in her mouth for being cranky and uncooperative due to lack of sleep! Can you tell me how to approach this with my sister? My parents totally agree with me and feel she expects way too much from a 2-year-old and that her punishments are too harsh for her age. My sister doesn't like any one else's opinion on how to raise "her child."

A: Your sister and niece's routine of late-to-bed and late-to-rise is an acceptable preference until preschool begins, as long as both are getting enough sleep at night and both have positive, pleasant learning and play activities during the day. Soaping her mouth for crankiness surely does sound extreme and unfair. I assume you and your parents have already tried to convince her of her inappropriate overreactions.

By age 3, children often begin preschool at least twice a week. This might be a good time for you and your sister to research some of the local preschools. I often suggest that parents of young children observe in a few schools to find a teaching style they find comfortable.

I also recommend that they think of themselves as preschool teachers at home by directing home activities in a way very similar to the positive style of a good school.

Your sister's observations might teach her to take charge at home in a more positive leadership style with quiet praise for good behavior and timeouts for occasional problems. Your sister could emphasize crafts, play and learning activities, and your niece could learn to function better with positive expectations. My book "Raising Preschoolers" is ideal for guiding your sister to take charge in a positive manner and could be a good birthday gift or stocking stuffer for Christmas.

If you and your parents could comment to your sister on some of her positive approaches to guiding her daughter, perhaps she'd be more open to hearing about an occasional problem. Giving advice without being asked is always a delicate matter and is hardly ever effective. If the preschool observations and the gift book don't work, you may want to write a very sweet note to your sister, commenting first on what a wonderful daughter she has, and then secondly, on the use of timeout as a more effective substitute for soap.

For free newsletters to help your sister on the topics of raising preschoolers and discipline for little, middle and big kids, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.