Sylvia Rimm on Raising Kids by Dr. Sylvia Rimm

Q: My husband and I have two children. After having problems with our son in kindergarten and first grade, we had him evaluated by a neuropsychologist. His IQ and achievement testing placed him in the Superior range. He was also diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and Tourette Syndrome.

We didn't want to "label" him and felt if reasonable accommodations were made in the classroom, he would thrive. Unfortunately, his second grade teacher was resistant to making accommodations. She commented on our son's negative behavior daily.

We met with the principal, the school psychologist and the teacher throughout the year advocating, and sometimes arguing, but nothing we did or said seemed to make a difference to his teacher. By the end of the year, we were so frustrated and angry. We gave up fighting and honestly believed she hated our son!

Fortunately, our son got a better teacher in third grade. She repaired some of the damage done by being patient, understanding and working with us to make appropriate accommodations.

Fast forward five years. As our daughter transitioned to the grade taught by this difficult teacher, we went to the school and specifically requested that she not be put in her class. Although our daughter's a good student and possibly would've done well, she's also very sensitive. We felt this teacher's tendency to lose her temper would've been stressful for our daughter. Plus, we didn't want to deal with her again.

Our daughter's aware we requested she not have this teacher and although it's only a couple of months into this school year, she's already made a few comments about being able to hear that teacher yelling at her students, and she is glad to be in a different class.

Now, however, I question whether we should've let our daughter know about our request. Recently, she came to me with concerns about next year. She's already hearing horror stories about a fourth grade teacher who loses her temper, yells, swears at and humiliates her students.

I've not had any personal experience with this teacher, but I've heard parents complain about her. I don't want to subject my sensitive daughter to a verbally abusive teacher, but I know that she needs to learn how to deal with these types of people eventually. How would you advise me to handle this?

A: Your experience advocating for your son was a frustrating one, but it provides an important lesson to all parents. It's difficult to advocate, but it's important to protect your children from hearing your frustration.

It would've been better if your daughter hadn't heard your anger at the teacher and if you'd made your request without her even knowing you did. We all learn from our experiences, and I don't want to add guilt to your plate, but only caution for the future.

It certainly wasn't your fault that your son's teacher wasn't willing to make accommodations for him. On the other hand, he probably behaved worse in that class as a result of hearing your frustration and better in his next class, as you praised the teacher for her help.

If the horror stories are true about next year's teacher, parents should be encouraged to report their concern to the principal. Perhaps they're exaggerated. A teacher who swears and humiliates children doesn't usually last long in an elementary school. However, there are always some "yellers," and even some who do a good job teaching, despite their yelling. There are also parents who yell and, despite that, seem to do pretty well raising their children.

It's all right to tell your daughter that you'll ask for the preferred teacher if she likes. However, it's also important to tell her that principals can't always arrange the classroom according to parent requests, so she may get that teacher anyway. You should also reassure her that teachers who raise their voices can sometimes be wonderful teachers and remind her that, as long as she does her work and follows the rules, she's unlikely to be a recipient of that raised voice.

Furthermore, as she gets older, she'll find lots of people who "yell," and she needs to learn not to be afraid of loud or critical voices. She should hear what the person has to say, decide for herself if the criticism is merited and respond assertively if she thinks it's unfair.

Although we'd all like our children to grow up to be reasonably sensitive adults, oversensitivity is a great disadvantage in the real world. For women in particular, it's often what makes them less resilient in professional careers. I'm not encouraging parents and teachers to "yell," but I do caution parents to help their children become stronger by listening to and responding to loud messages in realistic ways, so they can build confidence in the less coddling world beyond home and school.

For a free newsletter about building resilience in girls or fearful children send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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