Sylvia Rimm on Raising Kids by Dr. Sylvia Rimm

Editor's Note: Sylvia Rimm is off. The following column has been published in the past few years.

Q: My son is 10, is very creative, has a great memory, is a high achiever, and in the gifted program at school. He lacks social/interpersonal skills. He doesn't develop friendships, although he may have them casually at school. I think he's well-liked at school. He loves to play and is comfortable around kids he's known for a long time or his sister's friends who are over a lot. He's usually outgoing at home and with family, and he is fun to be around. But he's moody and can become frustrated and angry.

I'm not sure how to help him, but I think he's uncomfortable and feels awkward socially. He may not have the same need as others to have friends around. He can read for hours or make computer movies. I just want him to be balanced, and I'm concerned he'll go to middle school with no real connections. I've arranged for his friends to come over on several occasions for a "book club." He's been agreeable for me to set that up, and he really has fun after I get things going. I'm looking for advice and resources.

A: While some children prefer solitary interests to an extensive social life, all kids need friends. Your son is obviously not offensive to others, but he is not invitational either. In order to encourage some social life without making him feel pressured or causing him to think there's something wrong with him, the key is to encourage his involvement in activities where he'll automatically meet and talk to other kids.

Joining Boy Scouts, a sports team or a drama, chess or computer club could give him a start at seeing other boys regularly in a fun setting. His teacher may be able to help by pairing him with likely friends for school projects or committees. She may also suggest some potential friends from school for play dates, or she may reassure you that your son seems very happy with his friends at school.

While it's good to encourage some balance and friendships in children's lives, it's also important to recognize that some kids truly enjoy spending some time alone and should be encouraged to do so. You'll want to be very careful to avoid having your son feel pressured to be popular. That peer pressure is at its height in middle school, and it will feel more difficult to cope with if he thinks his parents are worried about his popularity.

While social-skills counseling can be very helpful to children, I'm not certain from your description whether that truly is your son's problem. If he really is struggling or feels like he doesn't know how to say the right thing at the right time, group or individual counseling could be effective.

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Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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