Sylvia Rimm on Raising Kids by Dr. Sylvia Rimm

Q. I'm married and a mother of three with a loving, stable home. My two older children are from a previous relationship that ended when they were ages 6 months and 3Ѕ years old. They're now 9 and 6 years old. Their father struggled with drug addiction since before they were born, going in and out of sobriety. Every year and a half or so, I get the eternal "I'm sober for good now" and a request to start seeing the boys, which I eventually allow. He'll be the perfect parent for a few weeks and then disappear, after which I comfort them and try to explain things. I'm lost and don't know what to do. Should I let the boys continue having the few-and-far-between visits, keeping hope that one will last? How do I explain to my 6-year-old that he can't go see Daddy because I haven't a clue where he ran off to this time? Should I refuse visits altogether to protect them? I hear horror stories of children resenting their mother down the road because they weren't given the chance to have a relationship with their father.

A. You've been more than fair to father and sons. It's time to say no to protect your sons from feelings of predictable rejection by their father. He cares more about drugs than his children. They have a stepfather who undoubtedly loves them and on whom they can count for fathering. When they become adults they can choose whether to build a relationship with their biological dad, but for now, explain that their father is too ill to play a true fathering role. They'll feel safer and more secure; hopefully, when they're adults and you can explain the issues, they'll thank you for the decision you've made.

For a free newsletter about helping children cope with divorce, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or read "Helping Your Children Cope With Divorce" at www.sylviarimm.com.

Teen Hibernator Will Miss His Room

Q.

I'm a single dad with three boys (ages 2, 3 and 16 years old). I recently bought an older houseboat, and I'm planning on renovating it soon. I want to eventually move onto the houseboat full time. I've weighed the pros and cons of living on a houseboat with children and have concluded it's something we could do with some adjustments. The problem is, my eldest son thinks it's a bad idea and is giving me a hard time. He says he doesn't want to make the lifestyle changes of living in a much smaller "home." What I don't understand from him is that now between school, after-school activities, sports, his part-time job, and time with his friends, he hardly spends anytime at home. When he's home, all he does is hibernate in his bedroom. Other than forcing him to comply, what can I do to convince him to cooperate?

A. Since you're planning to renovate the houseboat you'll move into, it's probably best to complete the renovation before you move in. Your teen could be a good assistant for this job. Once he spends time fixing up the boat, he may become enthusiastic about the move and you may not have to persuade him.

Houseboats don't allow much privacy, and I expect your son is worried that he'd miss that room he hibernates in. If he's still resistant when you've completed the renovation, consider using the houseboat as a vacation home until your son graduates high school. When your son goes to college or lives on his own, you could move to the boat with the younger children.

For a free newsletter about moving to a new home, self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or go to www.sylviarimm.com for more parenting information.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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