How to Prevent Daughter's Screeching by Dr. Sylvia Rimm on Creators.com

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How to Prevent Daughter's Screeching

Q: My youngest daughter is 3 years old, and anytime she doesn't get her way, she screeches. Neither of her older siblings ever did this, and we all hate it. She isn't hurt; she's just mad. It's all I can do to keep from smacking her in the mouth. How can we get her through this stage FAST without me becoming completely irrational?

A: All of us who have ever had children can remember a child screeching at least once or twice and it is not a pleasant memory. It gives a parent some desperate feelings, so before you start feeling or acting abusive, you'll need some quick first aid tips that always work. Here's a step-by-step plan that will be effective almost immediately.

1. Decide on a room that can be used for time out. Your daughter's bedroom will work unless it's on the second floor. A bathroom can work, but a main floor study or playroom is better. It's not easy to move a screeching child into time out, so the nearer to the center of the house, the better. Reverse the doorknob so that it can be locked from the outside or add a latch to the outside. A rope with two loops, one to attach to another door, can also be used. Do not even consider holding the door closed yourself. That only seems to encourage more screaming.

2. Explain to your daughter privately, and when she is in a happy time, that since she is getting to be a big girl, she needs to learn to use her words when she is unhappy and absolutely can't scream anymore. Tell her that if she starts to scream, you will give her only one warning to use her words.

If she doesn't stop screaming immediately, you will put her in the timeout room and lock the door until she stops screaming. You can demonstrate exactly what you plan to do. Also, tell her that you won't answer or talk to her from the timeout room, until she has calmed down. When she's quiet, you will open the door, and she can come out. When she comes out, absolutely do not hug her or she will continue to scream as a way of seeking attention.

3. Expect her to try the new rules out within a day, and she will screech her loudest from the timeout room. Don't open the door until she stops. If the screaming exceeds 15 minutes, open the door briefly and calmly ask her if she's ready to stop. If she stops, let her out. If she doesn't, close the door again. Repeat if necessary, but repetition is unlikely to be needed.

4. The first timeout will be the worst, but if you follow through, she will likely discontinue the screaming after no more than three timeouts.

For a free newsletter about how to handle time outs and/or raising preschoolers, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope for each newsletter and a note with your topic request to address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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4 Comments | Post Comment

And please don't take this child to restaurants or movies (at least) until she can behave calmly in a public setting. The high-pitched shriek of a toddler is one of the most unpleasant sounds other people can experience as well. If you don't like it, then don't impose it on innocent strangers.

I'm still bitter about anniversary dinners in expensive restaurants with dim lights and large bars and NO CHILDREN'S MENUS where entire restaurants of people had costly evenings of intimate meals ruined by little shriekers people brought in. For me it triggers a migraine, it quickly hits our last nerves, and we can't wait to get out of there, while previously we would relax and talk and eat and have a glass of wine and coffee and dessert. I feel bad for waiters who helplessly watch as much of their tips run out the door before they even finish their meal.

We actually cook at home on our anniversaries now because there seems nowhere in our area we can go for a quiet special occasion meal without this happening.

Comment: #1
Posted by: LouisaFinnell
Tue May 7, 2013 9:43 PM

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Actually, what worked best for my kids is just standing and looking at them like a rather fascinating bug - and with a slight sense of boredom. Do NOT show any irritation. If she sees you're irritated, she wins because that what she was looking for. When she pauses for breath, ask mildly, "Are you finished?" The first time, she won't be. Possibly not the second...or the third. But eventually, she will get tired of the screeching herself (it's exhausting to screech) and quiet down. But when she does finally finish, it is the time to say something like, "Well, as I was saying, you can't do (whatever is was that set her off), but you can do (this other fun thing) instead." It may start another round the first time you do this. Just rinse and repeat.

If it goes on and on, then just start doing whatever you were doing and ignoring her - stepping over or around her as needed. ONLY when she is quiet should you acknowledge her again. I found it best when I stayed nearby so that my kids could see that I was actually *ignoring* them in their tantrum and not just busy elsewhere. There's a different feel to being actively ignored vs someone just being busy in a different room. Tantrums are to provoke a reaction - preferably a giving in, but an anger reaction works as well from a kid's point of view. Being ignored is the exact *opposite* of what she is going for.

But the combination of the lack of reaction to the screech - when she was *looking* for a big reaction - and the promise of something else fun presented ONLY when she is quiet, was enough to get my kids past it. The screech was ineffective. It didn't change my mind. It didn't spark the reaction they were looking for. It just delayed something else fun that they could have been doing. So they quickly abandoned the practice - I think it only took a couple of repetitions - maybe as long as a month? It was a while ago.

But also, as Louisa says: Do this only at home. Remove her immediately from anyplace where she is disturbing others.

Comment: #2
Posted by: W
Thu May 9, 2013 6:30 AM

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I'm sorry but I don't agree with locking a child in a room.

Yes, have a designated time out spot, and OK you can close the door but I don't believe the child should be forcefully confined. Yes, the child may bolt and you will have to chase him or her down several times before the time-out sticks, but I believe locking or barricading the door is a safety risk.

No, I'm not a childcare specialist. No, I'm not a parent yet. I do, however, volunteer with a children's program and we are prohibited from confining children by themselves in a room for any reason, ever. Primarily because of the safety risk (e.g., there's a fire/tornado/disaster and they get stuck; the lock may break and prevent entry; they get hurt and we don't know because the door is closed...). Also, being locked in a room against your will can be traumatizing for a child.

Comment: #3
Posted by: F Saunders
Thu May 9, 2013 2:31 PM

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I'm not a parent, but when I threw tantrums in the store because I didn't get my way, my mom would laugh at me. She'd ask me if that was as loud as I could scream, and if I couldn't flail myself about a little more violently. I also then didn't get what I wanted, so I learned pretty quick that tantrums weren't really an effective way of getting stuff. So you can try that. Tell your daughter that she's not loud enough, and that if she had said please, then she might have gotten part of what she wanted.

Comment: #4
Posted by: Katie Clark
Sat May 11, 2013 9:21 AM

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Sylvia Rimm on Raising Kids by Dr. Sylvia Rimm

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How to Prevent Daughter's Screeching

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