Sylvia Rimm on Raising Kids by Dr. Sylvia Rimm

Q. I found out my husband is gay. He says, "I don't do that anymore; that doesn't define me." I've seen no evidence of change in our relationship over the last few years I've given him to get therapy, so I've filed for divorce. He says our two boys, ages 14 and 17, want to live with him. They think he's great. He has led them to think I have lost my mind, am having a midlife crisis, and that he has no idea why I'm doing this.

He's filing for full custody and for a guardian "ad lidem" to represent the boys. If he's going to give them a lawyer to represent their wishes, I think they should have all the facts before they tell the guardian where they would like to live.

I've been a stay-at-home mother. There's no reason they shouldn't live with me. Perhaps my husband has described how much fun it will be for just three guys. I assume he's asking for full custody out of spite because I filed for divorce.

Should I tell the boys the truth about their father? If so, how should I tell them? Should family friends be with us when I tell them?

A. While I think it's important for your sons to understand that your reason for divorce is that their father is gay, it would be better if he told them. Apparently, he's either in denial about being gay, or he isn't gay, but only explored that possibility briefly. It's obvious from your wish to divorce that he isn't in a sexual relationship with you. Your best approach is to share with your husband the fact that you plan to inform the guardian "ad lidem" of his homosexual behavior. That would encourage your husband to tell the boys himself.

I strongly doubt whether the courts would give your husband full custody unless there was cause to consider you an inadequate mother.

The court is accustomed to hearing stories about one parent trying to lure children by being the fun parent. While they would respect teenagers' input about where they would wish to live, they would also consider your long-term role as the stay-at-home parent.

I can easily identify with how cheated you feel in this situation because I've worked with many couples who have gone through divorce. While it's not good to make the divorce worse for your children by describing the other parent in negative ways, the pressure to keep your children's love and to at least explain to them the reason you're choosing to divorce the other parent is a very real one. If your sons' father is planning to blame you for the divorce, you would have to protect yourself. If you decide to share information about your husband's homosexual behavior with the boys, please do that in a respectful way without exaggerating it or condemning his homosexuality. This would be best done privately, but if you think that your sons won't believe you and if there's a very close friend that the boys respect who can confirm the story, I think it would do no harm to include that person in the conversation. You can state that you want the opportunity, without hurting their love for their father, to explain your reason for divorcing him.

For a free newsletter about gender issues in achievement, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or submit your questions about gender issues online at www.sylviarimm.com. All submitted questions are answered.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2009 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.