Sylvia Rimm on Raising Kids by Dr. Sylvia Rimm

Q: My 3-year-old son and I live with my parents, grandmother and younger sister. Two months ago, we had a bad house fire. I was at a doctor's appointment and had left my son with my mother, grandmother and sister. I received a call from the neighbors that the house was on fire and rushed home immediately. An old lamp downstairs started the fire. Everyone was upstairs, and when they discovered the smoke and flames coming from downstairs, my sister grabbed my son and ran out of the house while my mother got my grandmother.

Everyone got out safely. My son's baby sitter took him away while neighbors helped until the firemen arrived. The fire consumed the entire downstairs, and though our dog was saved, our three cats died. We lost almost everything. My parents had insurance so we'll eventually replace things, and we're currently staying in a nice rental house until ours is rebuilt. My concern is that my son will suffer lasting trauma from this event.

Since the fire, he doesn't like to be left in a room alone. He throws a terrible fit when I leave him at home, but leaving him at the baby sitter's isn't a problem. He still tells random people about the house burning down and talks of the things he lost, including the cats. Recently, he started showing aggression toward the baby sitter's cat, which is strange considering he's always loved animals. He's also started hurting himself when he gets angry or upset. I know all of this is because of the fire.

Will this pass with time or could this be lasting? Is there anything I can do to assure him that things will be all right and that there's nothing to fear? I've spent many days and nights talking to him about the fire and comforting him when he has brought it up, but it only works temporarily. Any advice you have will be much appreciated.

A: Young children who witness a fire in a movie or on television are often terrified for a long time, so the terror after experiencing a fire would be difficult to erase.

It's logical that your son is fearful of being left home without you. It's even reasonable that the loss of his cats causes him to direct his anger toward another cat. While you need to be firm in not letting him hurt others, or himself, you can expect it to take time for him to move beyond his fear of fire.

When your son brings up the fire to you in discussion, reassure him that there won't be another and that he's safe, and then change the topic to something more playful or read him a story or play a game. While you should comfort and reassure him, too much talk about the fire may serve as an attention getter for him and may also increase his fears. You can accustom him to being left at home with family members by leaving only briefly at first, assuring him you'll be home very soon. When he finds that you reappear quickly and he is safe, you can gradually expand the amount of time until he feels secure again.

You can expect his fears to last awhile, but eventually, with maturity, he will have a more realistic and healthy fear of fire. Your goal should be to get him back into his usual routine as much as possible, but to still be responsive to his fears and worries. A warm hug and a reassuring statement like, "We won't have any more fires in this nice house," is probably enough for a 3-year-old to absorb.

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Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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