Sylvia Rimm on Raising Kids by Dr. Sylvia Rimm

Q. I'm from India. My son was diagnosed with dyslexia in 10th grade. He is presently doing his fourth semester of an engineering degree, and I have a problem getting him to study. He isn't focused, can't concentrate, and doesn't take his professional studies seriously. I'm afraid if he doesn't study well he won't have a good future.

My son says that studies are not the main thing. He has extraordinary interest in playing drums and during his 11th and 12th grades won many prizes for being the best drummer. That is his passion. He hasn't studied music, but obviously he's a very good drummer. I don't want him to play for bands, as I'm afraid he'll ruin his future by joining bad company.

He is a nice, sociable boy. The main problem is he's not willing to work hard. I don't know where I'm failing as a parent. He loves music, plays the guitar and keyboard, and feels that I'm suppressing his talent.

I have a daughter who is completing 12th grade. She's doing very well in her studies and I don't know whether that has affected him. He feels that I have been partial to her, though I don't want to be partial to either of them.

My wife is a nurse and we've tried our best to help our son. I have a suspicion that he's lacking something either medically or emotionally.

I have repented of the times when I have shouted at him for being disobedient and rebellious. Now I don't scold him, though we keep after him to study and work hard.

I would appreciate your guidance.

A. There is much in your description of your son that suggests he is an underachiever. I suggest you read my book, "Why Bright Kids Get Poor Grades" (Great Potential Press, 2008), because it will help you to understand your son's problems.

Your encouragement in his engineering career is crucial, provided he has the abilities and interest to pursue engineering. If he doesn't want to be an engineer, it's important for him to find a different path before he spends two more years wasting his education.

As you know, only a tiny percentage of talented musicians are able to earn a living in music because it is such a competitive field. Perhaps he should begin by taking lessons from a teacher who has the capacity to predict the likelihood of his success. Winning high school music awards indicates talent, but there are thousands of yearly high school music award winners.

Your son's competition with his sister could be related to his underachievement. If he's dyslexic, that's surely also a serious problem. His inability to concentrate could be related to dyslexia, disinterest or an attention disorder, but you would need further diagnoses for these potential problems. If your son blames you for being too hard on him earlier, it may also be possible that his mother and you weren't united, and he learned a habit of going to her to find an easy way out. I write about that dysfunctional pattern in chapter three of my book.

If your son has reasonable interest in his engineering career, continue to encourage him while checking with counselors about dyslexia and attention problems. Encourage his music and after he has earned his degree, if he would like to take a few years to explore potential music opportunities before settling down to engineering, that could be a plan. Inspiration could come from a partner who loves him and believes in him or a mentor whom he admires. Most importantly, be a supportive dad while he finds himself and his talents.

For free newsletters about dyslexia, attention disorders, or Dr. Rimm's book, "Why Bright Kids Get Poor Grades," send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, ask family questions or read more at www.sylviarimm.com.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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