Q: I recently learned from a parent at my daughter's school that a group of boys have been pulling down my daughter's pants and fondling her during recess. She is one of three girls that this has happened to. One of the girls confessed to her parent and provided an example of what the boys did by demonstrating the action on her doll. In general, the topic of sexuality is very sensitive, and I'm trying to figure out how to approach this conversation with my daughter. Needless to say, I'm disappointed she didn't confide in me. I obviously need to do a better job of building her trust. My daughter and her friends that were impacted are only 5 years old.

In my opinion, this is child abuse, and I'm trying to understand my options for protecting my daughter. I look forward to your feedback. Thank you.

A: It isn't surprising a 5-year-old didn't report sexual touching to her parents. She may not be clear whether she's in the right or wrong by reporting it to you. She may be worried that she's caused the problem and will be punished.

Your daughter has probably heard about good touching and bad touching in her preschool class. That's usually the way that teachers and parents handle helping young children understand inappropriate exploring of their playmates bodies. Nevertheless, knowing what to do or say may still feel scary.

While this group of boys may consider what they're doing innocent play, the laws on child abuse are intended to make it clear to people of any age that they are to respect the privacy and sexuality of all children. Thus, the play (or abuse) must be stopped.

I suggest your immediate response to your daughter be to explain that you know these boys have been pulling down her pants and touching her inappropriately. Explain to her that touching private parts, and you can show where those are, is considered bad touching. If children or adults, boys or girls, touch her private parts or touch her in any way that makes her feel uncomfortable, she needs to tell you about it. She should also report it to the teacher. You'll need to reassure her that reporting these things isn't tattling. If she feels unsure about reporting to her teacher, you can do it for her and should immediately. The teacher has a responsibility, by law, to report the behaviors to Social Services abuse hotline and they can, in turn, determine if this is innocent play or actual abuse. Either way, the children will be warned against such behavior in the future and both the perpetrators and the victims will have learned some important life lessons.

The boys may be innocent enough of intending harm, but it's also possible that they themselves are victims of abuse. That is, of course, confidential and for Social Services to uncover. All teachers are informed of the abuse hotline, so they'll know this has to be reported.

For a free newsletter about "Raising Preschoolers" (Three Rivers Press, 1997), send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.