Sylvia Rimm on Raising Kids by Dr. Sylvia Rimm

Q. My question is about bullying. My 11-year-old daughter has been bullied all year by two children, one verbally and the other physically. Believe it or not, the hitting, kicking and shoving has been done by the female bully. The head of her private school told my daughter that she has to give him the names of witnesses to the bullying in order for it to be addressed by him. Is this an accepted approach to dealing with bullying since most bullying is covert?

A. I think it's strange for an educator not to take your daughter's being bullied more seriously, especially at a time when we have research that clearly shows the damage that bullying inflicts. I'm only hearing your side of this story, so there may be some reasons the headmaster may have that I don't understand. Most important, your daughter needs to know she can go to someone to find safety if she is being bullied, whether that someone is a faculty member or you. Students who bully others are also at high risk for moving toward delinquency and life-long problems. Your daughter, and those who are bullying her as well, should have opportunities within the school for counseling. You are correct that most bullying is done without witnesses unless those witnesses are also bullies. Perhaps there are other parents who feel as you do who can join with you in convincing the head of school to take bullying seriously. The middle grade years are often the most difficult for bullying.

Is it possible that the head of school for some reason doesn't actually believe your daughter and believes that those she accuses are innocent? If you trust your daughter and are sure she isn't making up her story, it's important to advocate for her safety.

When parents communicate with schools it's important that they communicate respectfully with educators and vice versa.

It's best for children to understand that although their parents and educators don't always agree, they try to understand each other. I've included an ALLIANCE for parent/teacher communication that I suggest to parents who are advocating for curriculum change. You could use a similar model in communicating for programs that improve social and emotional health for children.

Ally with the teacher privately about your concerns.

Listen to what the teacher has observed about your child.

Learn about what the teacher thinks is best for your child.

Initiate a conversation about your child's strengths and problems

Ask about experimental ideas for engaging and interesting curricular and extracurricular activities.

Negotiate to find appropriate adult and peer role models.

Consent to alternatives if experimental opportunities are not effective.

Extend possibilities patiently.

For free newsletters about "Growing Up Too Fast" or bullying, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094. Read Dr. Rimm's parenting articles and submit family questions online at www.sylviarimm.com. All questions are answered.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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