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Boy is Feeling DethronedQ: I have a very stubborn and strong-willed 4-year-old boy. He can be sweet as pie for the most part, but when it comes to discipline, he is difficult and unreasonable. His temper has increased greatly since the birth of his younger sibling. I think this is related to jealously. He seems to even like negative attention. I am at my wits' end with this child because his tantrums can sometimes last up to 20 minutes. This upsets the whole family, including the baby. Is this normal, or shall I seek psychological therapy for him? Please help. A: While I can't tell for certain why your son has tantrums, it's likely that since they have increased in intensity since the baby, extreme sibling rivalry is responsible. In my book, "How To Parent So Children will Learn" (Great Potential Press, Inc, 2008), I refer to severe sibling rivalry as "dethronement." It often takes place for first children and first grandchildren who have received more than the typical praise and attention. Very verbal children often attract more attention and become dependent on it almost to the point of addiction. Thus, these attention-addicted children feel attention deprived and may respond much like a child with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Their persona changes from bright, happy and delightful children to angry or negative children who seem to beg for any attention. Here are a few suggestions to try to reverse the pattern: 1. Give your son some special one-on-one time each day without his younger sibling present. A special date once a week with you or his father will also be helpful.
2. When you're talking to other adults within his hearing (referential speaking), don't refer to his jealousy or tantrums. Instead comment on some of the gentle or kind things he's done for his siblings, or the ways in which he's been helpful to you or his father. 3. Your son may be frustrating you and causing you to become angry quickly. You may thus feel so bad that sometimes you say things like, "You're impossible; I can't handle you." Be sure to hold back such comments within his hearing. Instead, imagine yourself a very wise, experienced mother and pretend to be as confident and rational as you can with him. 4. Learn to use timeout with your son when he is aggressive or has tantrums — instructions are in my book or you can receive a free newsletter. Don't try to talk him through his tantrums. That will only result in more tantrums. There may be other issues to consider, so if these suggestions don't drastically decrease his tantrums, it would be good to go to a psychologist to determine if there is a greater problem than sibling rivalry. For a free newsletter that includes instructions for timeout or for when a new baby comes, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com. COPYRIGHT 2010 CREATORS.COM
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