Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: I've been out of the dating cycle for years, as I met my "designated husband" and married about 16 years ago. (There were an awful lot of dates prior to that, though, and I'm grateful to have navigated those waters with ease.) I'm e-mailing you to help women who are stuck for an answer when undesirable men hit on them. It was always beneficial for me to say plainly and truthfully:

"(Mr. Blank), I'm so glad I had the opportunity to meet you and spend some time with you. I've been reflecting on what's happened between us this evening (afternoon, whatever) and have concluded it probably wouldn't be best for us to pursue this. It feels as if we have different goals and priorities, and I don't think we're well-suited to be a couple. Thanks for giving me some of your time and energy. And if I meet someone I feel you might be well-matched with, I hope it would be all right for me to call you with her name and number. Again, I'm really glad to have met you."

Susan, I haven't ever had anyone be angry with me when I said that because it was my truth. Whatever else was said enabled him to walk away from the encounter with dignity. — Mandy, Long Island, N.Y. (Married at 37 and now the parent of QUADRUPLETS!)

DEAR MANDY: The great thing about your truth is that it's laced with kindness. None of your words has an edge. There is no intent to diminish or inflict pain. Your truth is selective and candy-coated, easy to swallow. The man can accept it because it's clear, definite and offers no hope for a change of heart. The meeting ends firmly but gently, holding out the possibility of a referral. So the man goes away feeling OK about himself … refused but not rejected. There's huge difference for the man's ego. His invitation has been turned down; that he can live with. After all, a turndown isn't a big deal. He hardly knows you, and equally important, you barely know him. So it's not a rejection of who and what he is. Not at all. It's merely a refusal of his invitation to get to know you better, and that he can abide. It's when the words get ugly and the "honesty" actually is male-bashing that the fellow's in danger of losing face. Not only to the world at large but also in front of the mirror. In a way, he loses part of his soul.

(Think of it: An accident in gender consigns him to a lifetime of first moves. Not exactly fun.) Your honesty, Mandy, is the kind that allows both asker and askee to walk away with their egos intact. And that's the most important part of the encounter: the aftermath. It works well for both parties, a win-win situation. Thanks for sharing.

DEAR SUSAN: I've met many women who say a man's protectiveness is annoying. They ask me why men are so protective. Personally, I think it's easy to understand. Once a man opens up and gives his heart to a woman, he's going to protect his heart as best he can. Also, it gives him a sense of importance and being needed.

Please tell this to your female readers. It might help to bridge the communication gap between the sexes. — Stu D., Tucson, Ariz.

DEAR STU: The danger of a man's protectiveness is a matter of (gulp) degree. Applied with a light smattering, it feels good and at times downright delicious to be in a cocoon held by a loving partner. Who doesn't like being given the princess treatment?! All girly types like a man who goes for the car when it's raining, who carries the umbrella at just the right height and knows to shelter us on the inside of the sidewalk. Show me a woman who doesn't like a bit of pampering and extra consideration. (If there's such a thing as feminine fun, those tidbits just about qualify.) BUT (you knew there was one coming, no?) I dare you to show me one woman — just one will do — who willingly goes along with being protected out of her personhood. In parenting, the overprotected child is known to be underdeveloped — and the object of a hostile parent. (Let's not overlay that scenario on us frail womanly types, if you please.) Yes, that makes the man feel important and necessary. But then again, it's a not-so-little matter of degree. Just how much of that does he require? Enough to make her feel helpless? Totally dependent on him? That may seem titillating in his fantasy life, but in this world it makes her boring and burdensome. This generation of women may be overreacting against male protectionism, having seen their moms bear the weight, but very few women worth their designer boots want to be robbed of their initiative and personal power, the riches that came only after a long struggle. Remember that smothering has no redemptive qualities; it's bad for everyone involved. If we're ever to be your good friends, which is what we truly want, you need to understand us — as we try to understand you. Dialogue is the bridge.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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