Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: Your recent columns have been about having different partners during different stages in one's life. After returning from Vietnam, I dated a much younger woman, who was intelligent, adventurous and fun to be with. We got married and had a wonderful marriage and four children, but after 12 years, things got stale. I met another woman, who was going through a lot of self-improvement and cleansing old thoughts and reactions. She was much more secure and independent. We had a good, if sometimes rocky, relationship. We had frequent struggles, but we stayed together and made it work. The woman I'm with now is kind and loving and accepts me for who I am, as I accept her for who she is. We are grateful to God for helping us to see the love we have for each other; I am truly humbled by her love for me and try to give as much back to her.

If you haven't figured it out by now, I'll tell you: I've been married to the same woman for 37 years, but she is no more the person I married than I am the man she married. Throughout our marriage, there have been different partners for me; I just have had to open my eyes to see her. — David J., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR DAVID: Wow! What an object lesson for us all — to recognize (and appreciate) the cast of characters within our partners. That powerful insight can color and animate all the seasons of our lives as we live them with single (pun intended) mates.

Imagine all the divorces that could be avoided, all the angry wrangling cut off in midsentence, the divorce attorneys left with no business to conduct — a small price to pay for such a glorious possibility. BUT — and here comes the kicker — that sort of fulfillment requires discipline, self-control and (most of all) thought. Yep, it means using the old noodle to figure out what it is you really want from your relationship and whether or not you're up to the challenge of working issues through. In other words, whether you really want to stay with the ups and downs of reality. Yes, it takes courage and fortitude, strength of will. Hey, maybe you're not up for it. Maybe that's asking too much of you — and the relationship.

It could be you'd rather play hopscotch, skipping from the excitement of one first date to the next, drinking in the unreal glow of fictional relating but always wondering why it left you thirsty and why you never resolved the issues that stood between you and this other person. As always, friend, it's a choice. Your choice, as it happens. And, life being the sum of one's choices, one day you could wake up and realize it was all a dream, a bad dream that for so long felt thrilling and fresh but was fated to end badly because it had no depth. A relationship without dimension is a puffball, a will-o'-the-wisp. As you remind us so vividly, David, life offers a much better alternative. We do have a choice.

DEAR SUSAN: You are phenomenal! I only wish I had been aware of your column when I was single. Back then, I thought there was something wrong with me, only me, but now I realize that the BS of being single is pretty much universal. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your honesty; it's helped relieve me of guilt from past stupidity. Bless you, Susan. — Bill B., Peoria, Ill.

DEAR BILL: You (and I) had to go through our singleness the hard way, without much recognition — or acceptance — of our way of life. But so what? We've lived through those dark days and are stronger for it! Lessons learned the hard way are the ones that stick in our memories, so the two of us have emerged from our crucibles as better people. Probably better parents, too. And better partners. As for this column, well, it's definitely here to stay, and it's getting better all the time because of readers like you. You and I are privy to the greatest social revolution yet, when the need to marry is being turned on its head. That doesn't mean an anti-marriage crusade is happening. Not at all. The sacred vows of marriage will continue to be chosen by some of us. BUT (a very big but, at that) they're no longer the gatekeepers to life's goodnesses. Family life, parenthood and loving companionship are all possible without them. As are the good feelings of being recognized and given equal status by the people around us. And, Bill, this is a global shift, a move in the tectonic plates under developed societies around the world. It's here to stay, and we have the thrill of being on the scene when it began to gain momentum. So thanks for your kind words, friend, and stay tuned. There's more excitement to come. Much more.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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