Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: I've been divorced for 10 years but haven't dated since 2003. I haven't had any offers other than for affairs, and I don't want that. I have one child and am not bad-looking. The problem is the men in the church singles group I belong to seem to be interested only in the young Barbie dolls. Help! — Lucille L., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR LUCILLE: So what else is new?! Men seem to gravitate toward snow bunnies — not all, but many. Being with arm candy seems to make them feel dashing, younger, desirable. That's the way of the world, my pet. Women have to keep up their appearances — within reason. (Miniskirt and cotton-candy blondes are definitely not your style!) But not all church groups are limited, so why not invite other churches' singles groups to join in meetings on a reciprocal, rotating basis? You'll be expanding membership and meeting new people and at the same time putting new possibilities into your social life. Staying with the same group isn't very stimulating; consider inviting guest speakers, planning local trips with other churches — perhaps synagogues and mosques, too. The more divers the more interesting the group. Go way beyond those silly men with their juvenile tastes — middle-aged comb-overs saddled with values dating from the Middle Ages. Look good, Lucille, and cultivate your mind. For the discerning man, that's the ultimate come-on.

DEAR SUSAN: Pardon the pun, but I'm in a bind (soon to be explained). A week ago, I was a carefree, attractive, intelligent 22-year-old enjoying life with my boyfriend, Tom, and dating others. Now I'm cautiously considering accepting his marriage proposal, still worrying whether I'm being too hasty. Hear my story:

Two days ago, I came home from work and walked in on two men burglarizing my condo. They tied me up, gagged me and left me in a closet. There I sat in the dark, arms tied behind me, mouth taped, completely helpless and, for the first time in my life, feeling so alone.

Because my mom and her date were due to stop by later, I knew it wouldn't be an all-nighter; still, every minute of the three hours it took for them to come and find me felt like forever.

Susan, I certainly do love Tom, and I'm not fearful of another robbery, but something about being all tied up has taken away my abandon. The moment those men started binding me, fear and anger were replaced with deep melancholy. Now I don't ever want to be alone. Do you think it's time to take that plunge into marriage? — Mariah M., Rock Island, Ill.

DEAR MARIAH: A deafening NO. This would be the very worst time — and reason — to make a lifetime commitment. You weren't in an exclusive relationship before this grisly incident, so to rush into marriage because of panic wouldn't be fair to him — or to yourself. (I can imagine your second thoughts after only a few weeks, when fear has subsided and rationality has returned.) Mariah, you are alone. As am I and everyone else. Each of us takes this journey single file (small plug); it's a fact of life we need to come to grips with. The sooner the better so we recognize our individuality and take responsibility for our lives. You've got a mom and friends and lots of love surrounding you. But it's you making the choices/decisions that add up to a life. Yours. That's the challenge each of us faces every day. At times, it feels burdensome. But it can also be a privilege. Still, it's always our own little red wagon we're pulling. And if we do it right, we'll have good lives. Being taped and alone in a closet may have started a chain reaction of insight that can lead to very good things ahead for you. Use it for all it's worth. But don't let temporary panic drive you into a lifetime of regrets. No way.

CONTACT ME: By snail mail: Write to me in care of this newspaper. For a reply, please send along a self-addressed, stamped envelope. You'll hear from me.

By e-mail: Log on to creators.com. Click on "advice." Find my column, and then click on "Write the author."

Either way, I'd love to hear from you!

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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