Single File by Susan Deitz

It's a complicated challenge, this single life. On your own, shunning both dependency and isolation, you adjust after a while and learn to be in the present moment. Sleepless nights have taught you that you should not voyage into the future (what could be) too often nor dwell in the past (what might have been). The fancy footwork needed to balance that threesome takes conscious effort and gobs of discipline. Still, it's the only way to be certain your singleness is complete. In other words (before this concept gets tangled in its own verbiage), this is your great chance to build an interesting life for yourself.

Simply put, you must think in all the tenses — to stay current while honoring both the lessons of the past and your dreams for what is to come. True, we all must find balance on that tightrope, married or not, but it's imperative that the unmarried be even more aware of their choices, because in the final analysis, they are solely responsible for the quality of their lives. And their lives' outcomes. True, no one has a clear road map leading to tomorrow; all we can count on is instinct and gray matter. But what we're exploring here is the possibility that those two gifts — when combined with awareness of the past and the present — are more than sufficient to shape a fruitful life. We all agree on the wisdom of past lessons (if any of us care to remember it) and the fun of visualizing with anticipation what can be just over the hill.

But most of life's richness comes from being in the present moment. And oddly, that seemingly simple task requires the most effort. There are thoughts that intrude on our clarity, what Buddhists call "the monkey mind." They're mischief-makers that have a way of dampening our high spirits prematurely, injecting downbeat what-ifs before the gleeful moments can live out their joy.

Putting them back in their place can broaden enjoyment of what is and add precious moments to those high points that make life worthwhile.

For that, it takes a strong mind and an even stronger will. Will is that aspect of the psyche that sets priorities, that says this is worth extra effort, but it can be an also-ran. It's what makes many of us heroic, able to do more than we knew we could, with energy and drive we never would have thought ourselves capable of. It's our personal overdrive. And we shift into it many times in a lifetime, mostly when we're thinking of someone else's needs (ahem). Will is the crown jewel of our humanness because it gives rise to the best in us: kindness, compassion, selflessness.

But before we drift into the murky waters of metaphysics, let's come back to you and life in the present tense. The fact is it's all we have. But try telling that to the bereaved, the lovelorn, the young. Age and stage play key roles in the tenses we live in, which is the reason I'm making this plea to all of you in the community I treasure so — the unmarried. Being in the moment can become a mantra, a vow to oneself to taste and savor each moment, to live fully. (And like a mantra, it may from time to time require some gentle prodding back into its rightful niche, but that's helpful and healthy exercise for the mind.)

Honor the non-todays of your life, but always — always — strive to BE in the present moment. It seems a simple assignment, but I assure you it's not. The first few stabs at this mental shift will be unsettling. Frustrating, yes. Annoying, to be sure. But rewarding. So much so, in fact, that you might choose to put it into action with the next interesting person you meet. And if you find it working its magic, well, you might bring it up in conversation. You two might just discover the fun of relating in all tenses. I wish it to you.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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