Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: How can a guy spend his life with just one woman? I'm not a great lover or very handsome, but I've always been able to find women who like me. Trouble is I've got a habit of getting involved with women who are unhappy, and that takes me away from my goal of having one partner. Still, I'm getting to the age that I want a wife and kids, and I don't want to be unfaithful. So I ask you again: How can a guy spend his life with just one woman? — Ernie A., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR ERNIE: And I ask you: Could it be that your helping "habit" is warning you that monogamy is not your thing? Not now, anyway. That's my reading, and it comes across to me loud and (very) clear. And, of course, I don't know just how those damsels in distress showed their gratitude (ahem). Still, it seems to me that in whatever form it took, the payback for your helping felt — and still feels — delicious. So good, in fact, that giving it up is quite out of the question (which is why you asked yours). I take exception with your belief that readiness for marriage and children is a matter of age. Don't believe it! A family member of mine married a bachelor when he was 67, and it was a glorious love affair. But in this global shift toward singleness, more and more people are leading full lives without marriage or parenthood. Lifestyle is increasingly a fluid issue, recognizing fewer borders of age or stage. Which is, in my mind, forward movement. There are bound to be fewer marriage ceremonies, without doubt, but my bet is on a happier society. And you, Ernie, have a personal mission to stay unattached until you meet the woman who is all things to you, the mate who can be your whole world.

"SINGLE FILE" FACTS: The number of non-married-couple households continues to climb.

Right now, there are more than 51 million households headed by unmarried Americans, a figure that represents roughly 44 percent of all households — and the majority of households in 23 states (plus the District of Columbia). There are nearly 96 million single Americans, representing approximately 43 percent of the adult population. Wow. Sounds like a mass migration, no? Comments welcome.

DEAR SUSAN: A man I've dated for a year wants me to move in with him. He says he loves me but shies away when I mention marriage. (I live alone close to him, but the area is too expensive for me; yet he gets upset when I mention that.) He knows I wouldn't feel right living with him unmarried, and he says he'd marry me in a minute if he didn't have to wait for some financial issues to be resolved. But he refuses to let me help with them. I'm not sure what to do. Am I being pushy? — Eve C., Santa Rosa, Calif.

DEAR EVE: Pushy is as pushy feels. In your situation, you'd have a bad feeling if you agreed to live with him unmarried. Call it a sense of morality; call it prudishness; call it your early training. Who cares about the why of it? Cohabiting is not for you — period. If the relationship rankles you enough to write to me, that's reason enough to stand your ground. (And be prepared to back up the rankling with a firm moving plan!) This chap obviously cares enough to want you for his mate; he just needs a push. Your particular style of pushing may be too genteel, too tentative. You may well need to get him to press the panic button; a moving van in front of your door may convince him. At any rate, stay with the project and pretty soon, push will come to shove.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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