Funny thing about this game of dating: The name doesn't square with reality. And anyone who's been unattached more than an hour will agree that it doesn't qualify as a "game," which implies casual fun and broad smiles, removal from this world of care.

Hoo-ha! It just ain't so — and never will be. The first date is a sure bet for two Aleves — and that's just thinking about it! As for games, well, the only ones associated with dating are the mind games the unsure can play on the unschooled.

Dating, in my book, is a necessary evil, somewhat like the old torture rack and stocks for Puritan baddies. Yet some women still see the other gender as meal tickets and tuxedos to have alongside at social events but eminently disposable the second they make moves to jump on their poor defenseless bones!

But it is cause for celebration that men (truthful sweeties that they are) adamantly deny that last bit of game play. In my nationwide survey a while back, I asked them whether they expect to have sex on a first date; they tell me that yes, they'd like it if things worked out that way, but they positively do not go on a first date with that expectation. So at least one falsehood is removed from the game, no? OK, the survey was a while ago, but between you and me, the male psyche is pretty much unchanged. (Actually, men have gotten too easily intimidated, as proved by television commercials and sitcoms. And that saddens/enrages yours truly, so I make it a point to go to bat for men and the respect that's due to them every chance I get.) The bottom line? Men are definitely miscast.

The point of this missive? Both genders can make this game more fun and less harrowing by easing the formal stuff and making their socializing more casual. (We can learn a lot from the young'uns, who eschew formal dating and are busy texting one another from all sorts of un-dating places.) Deep in your heart, you know very well that dating is not for you. The truth is that you meet more people (and more interesting people) in your offline moments — for example, when you're walking your dog, strolling by an art gallery, having a last-minute coffee at the corner coffee shop. You two catch each other's eye, and casual conversation starts. Or when you're side by side with someone who's also helping the environment, someone with a nice smile and a kind heart — and you come alive. With nary a phony word or gesture between the two of you. (Community projects are the best for meeting good people with your values.)

OK, I admit it. I'm here to promote putting dating on the back burner — way back. Not for all time but for a few weeks — even (gasp) a month or two — to see what else this old world holds. Now sit back and imagine the sea change this would make in your life. No more Sunday morning regrets. No more second-guessing what the other person really meant by that remark. No more time wasted waiting for that text that never comes.

Instead? Develop, cultivate and avidly pursue your passions. Find out with this extra time (and new freedom) what's going on in your church, your community, your gardening club, your own yens. What is it you'd really want to do on the weekend? Besides primping for someone with a new dress and the latest hairstyle, what else is possible? A weekend tour? An armful of books at the public library? A sit-in on a class you'd love to be part of? With the pressure of finding dates lifted, you're a free agent. What a feeling! You can skip, hop, amble to wherever your legs take you. You can start that oral history of your grandparents you've been meaning to begin for years or maybe an oral history of your mom. The possibilities are virtually limitless. With the burden of pre-dating primping and post-dating regrets lifted, the world is your oyster. And see whether I'm not on the right track; good people will virtually fall into your life when you're busy doing something besides dating. Develop the rest of your life. And let me know how it goes.

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at [email protected].