Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: The idea of older women and younger men has been getting a lot of positive push — from you and from other columnists. Let me tell you my experience. I've been married for almost 35 years to a man eight years younger than I am, and for most of the time, our age difference hasn't been questioned (or even noticed). Menopause was early, at 42. I had our son when I was 37, so we were lucky there. My husband kept thinking we had a lot of time.

But here's the pitch now. When I was about 58, occasionally someone would ask whether I was his mother. (He was looking particularly spry then, and I had been ill.) Now he's all but aging, while I'm fast approaching my own age in appearance. (It just wrecks the night when he's asked at the buffet table whether he's getting the food for his mom!) I'd have some surface work done on my face if our income hadn't taken a dive along with the economy.

It's not just vanity; his work involves many younger people, and I am by far the oldest. Luckily, my husband doesn't seem to care, but I DO. So think about the future, older women, when you choose a young handsome guy. You may be his match for a lot of years, but the wallop at the end is hard to take. — Lexie in California

DEAR LEXIE: The economy's nose dive is a valid reason to put off cosmetic work, but there's absolutely no excuse for taking a dive in the ring. (Think of Rocky's odds, and promise yourself to defy the 60s, 70s and beyond!) These days, there are many products sold over the counter that approximate cosmetic surgery, and they're nowhere near the price. With a younger husband and a social life full of younger faces, appearance should be a top priority. (Staying healthy must be as important; illness and its ravages are humungous turnoffs.) Most men couldn't care less about your dress; their gaze is on the face and the surrounding area. (The main concern for cougars is to get enough rest to keep the eyes alive and sparkling. That old inner spirit is mighty sexy.) So, yes, Lexie, having a young buck at your side has endgame challenges, but most cougars older than 40 would go in hock for the chance.

And a major makeover isn't a necessity; many products sold over the counter do a good-enough job of lifting and firming. Ask for samples of the ones that seem to deliver on their promises, and do your own testing at home. From one woman to another, it's important to please the eye. Do what you can to remain youthful and appealing … and confident. The stuff that matters is reflected not in the mirror, but in the love and respect flowing between you two. You can soften the wallop but strengthen the bonds.

DEAR SUSAN: How and where do I tell someone that I have herpes? (It's been under control for years with medication.) As it is, I don't go on a second date because of the fear of that "telling" moment — and his reaction to it. I am a classy woman and have been told I'm beautiful, but I just made a mistake a long time ago. What do your older female readers think? — Willow J., Peoria, Ill.

DEAR WILLOW: On my timetable, a personal matter such as this isn't to be shared until there's some degree of mutual caring. By then, he'll know your true nature and will be less likely to misjudge your one-time lapse in judgment. You've been taking care of the condition maturely and responsibly, so it makes sense to handle its disclosure the same way. Which is to wait, wait, wait. Denying yourself a second date with an appealing someone makes no sense — except as punishment. If it made sense, 40 million other adults would be in prison with you. Incidentally, many groups on the Internet are dealing with herpes and its issues. They meet to interact and socialize, aware of their shared condition but not letting it cast a shadow on the rest of their lives. (Google "herpes" to find them.)

Willow, there's no need to flagellate yourself for a one-time mistake. Actually, it can help you lead a responsible single life, aware of the consequences of casual sex and sensitive to the need for a mature and loving partner. Until that partner appears, you need information about this virus so it can become only a part of your life, not a condemnation. For all the facts, contact the Herpes Resource Center (919-361-8400) and ask for its newsletter, The Helper.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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