Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: My relative is 49, vivacious and very giving. She's been single for 15 years but hasn't met the right man. Her children are grown. Singles bars are out, and she hasn't had any luck with singles groups. I can't see why it's so difficult to meet good men. She's thought of answering personal ads, which terrifies both my husband and me. Do you have any suggestions? — Angela A., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR ANGELA: First thought, best thought! I'm channeling your relative's secret wish, and it is for you to Stay Out of Her Life. (Out of her dating life, that is.) Nearly 50, veteran wife and mother, she's done her part — and just may not want a second mission. (She may deny that to you two, even to herself, but in her heart of hearts, she may not disagree.) She's been around the block a few times, knows the score, and, well, 15 years is a long time. She may want a companion, a dating friend, but thinks you may disapprove. (It's clear that what you and your husband think matters to her a great deal, and that just may be the stumbling block here.) Yes, she should try the answering-personal-ads option, without you and your husband holding your breath. Used carefully, prudently, taking into account the safety risks, it can be a viable way to reach outward. But the core of her social life shouldn't be "meeting" venues. Be a good friend and steer her away from the "safari" mindset. Instead, suggest that she build her life her way (a simple but radical concept!). Be a true friend. Liberate her from the "gotta find a man" trap.

RELATIONSHIP RECESSION. Warren Farrell, that guru of male-female relating, is hosting bicoastal workshops that guarantee better relationships during this money crunch. Or your money back! In his words:

"In the belly of a recession, the fires burn differently.

As we burn through our money, we ignite the flames of blame. Blame smolders love. But as the flames burn through our money, they are also making divorce unaffordable. The result? The couple remains legally married but psychologically divorced; in a minimum-security-prison marriage. How to untie this Gordian knot? By using the crisis to make your communication — and therefore marriage — better than it was prior to the crisis. I don't feel comfortable making that statement glibly. So, if you participate fully in one of the following workshops and your relationship is not better than it was prior to the crisis, I will return 100 percent of the workshop's tuition."

Warren's workshops: June 12-14 at the Esalen Institute, in Big Sur, Calif.; July 2-5 at the Comfort Zone Center in Lewes, Del.

"Both workshops allow significant break time between workshop times — to either relax on the beautiful grounds or work out a kink in your communication. During those breaks, I am there for you without charge. If anything is making you hesitate, just email (warren@warrenfarrell.com) and we'll 'talk' it through."

DEAR SUSAN: I'm attracted to my hairstylist. We became friends, and soon afterward, I felt love. We've had a love-hate relationship but no sex. (We came close but didn't, as she doesn't consider us to be dating.) Recently we've been on good terms. But now she's being unforgiving about past problems for which I've already apologized. This is getting tiresome, and I'm desperate. — Jamie G., Peoria, Ill.

DEAR JAMIE: "Tiresome"? From here, it sounds more like a twisted lovefest without resolution … because it doesn't want any. Your stylist has you by the long hairs, and you seem to be resisting (mildly) but coming back for more as the hair grows and the spirit wants a tussle. What's in this for you? This ain't love, m'boy; this is a domestic spat, long-running and sexless. Where's the fun?

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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