Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: I am very interested in someone who's going through a divorce. (Actually, the divorce is nearly final.) I get the feeling from her that she's looking forward to being single again. She says nothing about me or our plans together. But my feelings are quite different. For me, nothing would be better than establishing a relationship with her that had the potential to be much more. She's 34 and eager to be unmarried. I am 36 and have never married, but I am ready to be married. Any advice? — Reid H., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR REID: The advice from this corner, dear Reid, comes with a warning and a timing device. This woman needs space, air and room to breathe — and puh-lenty of all three. Gobs of freedom, to be spent any way she chooses. After all, she's just been released from a bad marriage, no details needed. But you and I can imagine her loneliness, her yearning, her determination to remain unfettered once she's a single woman. Ordinarily, that state of mind would be perfectly understandable, logical and realistic. She's on the verge of trying her wings in this wide world. But there's a complication to be dealt with: Misjudging the depth of your feelings, she's now unsure about her next step. Here you are, in love with her and eager to start a serious relationship with a very serious commitment. But, my man, she's in a very different frame of mind.

This is a classic (and most sad) example of mistiming. You want to stay, exclusively and permanently, and she wants to — no, needs to — go off. On her own, unpartnered, uncommitted. Without apology of explanation. (The more you badger her for reasons the less affection she'll have for you.) Your assignment — should you accept it — is to remain in the background, intermittently connected by small reminders of your feelings. In other words, you're being called on to put your own life and feelings on hold while she flits and flirts and does all the things a newly single person loves to do.

Must do. That's a tall order; most of us would go and find another to suit our needs, someone more accessible. But love, true love, isn't easily replaced. In fact, it's incredibly difficult to find a substitute one and only. (!) If you can do so easily and quickly, it's probably more readiness than onlyness. Proceed with the utmost caution; red flags are everywhere.

DEAR SUSAN: You say that women in their 20s usually prefer men who are rats. I'm so afraid of losing this woman I care for to a rat. (I'm jealous, but I'd never make a scene.) How do I become a rat without losing the gentlemanly qualities I think I possess? I want her to love me for the way I truly am, but I want to be everything she wants in a man. — Zac H., Santa Rosa, Calif.

DEAR ZAC: The First Law of Singleness is that good guys can't ever be rats. No way, no how. It simply isn't in their DNA. And any woman who tilts toward the male rat needs to have her chemistry readjusted. Because it's a gradual process, that recalibration doesn't usually reveal itself until she's in 30-something mode. Years of bad experiences and disillusionment gradually grow into womanly wisdom — in time for her to make sane choices that add up to a really fine life. She (at last) chooses someone who shares her need for reciprocal partnership founded on genuine love and respect. That may sound ho-hum, but ask anyone with that sort of background just how exciting it can be. Grounded excitement, based on reality and shared feelings, light years away from the temporary insanity we dare call Love.

This good woman who inspires your love may need time to grow into her true self. My sense is that you need to back off from her, ever so slightly, and focus on your life. Show her that you respect yourself, that your qualities are the true ones that make strong partnership possible, that your own life is important to you. Be what you are — a good man, not a rat. Be all that you can be while being true to yourself. She'll admire your strength and compare it with the weaklings in the rat race. They can't possibly win a good woman.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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