Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: I'm a single mom of two great boys, ages 8 and 10. I made the mistake of marrying a younger man, and I don't want that again because my sons need a father figure and a younger man can't be one. The trouble is that men my age (40) don't want to "raise another family" and lose interest when they hear my children's ages. Is there any hope? — Cornelia G., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR CORNELIA: More than enough, dear Cornelia, for a family of three! You won't make another deficient marriage because the father of your two boys lacked the fatherly instinct they need — not because he was too young. (Age has little to do with nurturing instincts.) So let's knock that gem of illogic out of the box and move on to the next: the reluctance of some men (not all) to take on the role/job of fathering a young 'un who isn't his own flesh and blood. You only need one good man, Cornelia, fit and more than willing to move his size 10s into the bedroom closet and lovingly raise the sons of his beloved. It takes only one man — the right sort — to see beyond DNA and other extraneous facts to the goodness of the little family he has joined. He can be older than you specify or younger; train yourself to disregard the numbers and look into his heart the way your sons will. They will feel his warmth and his willingness to relate on their level, to be their teacher — and to learn from them. Don't choose by the numbers; take your time and choose a whole person, a man who can be your mate and your sons' nurturer.

Until he steps into your lives, choose positive role models for them — camp counselors, religious teachers, basketball coaches, etc. Have PTA meetings at home. Get to know their teachers, their friends, the people who influence their minds. Be an activist mom; they will appreciate your keen interest in their lives. And when the time is right, you'll meet the man for all seasons. It's inevitable.

DEAR SUSAN: I've known a woman for a couple of years. Recently we started to become closer.

I've become enamored of her, and she said she feels the same. The only stumbling block is her curiosity about women, and she wouldn't want to hook up with me without the freedom to pursue that curiosity. I don't mind her liking women, but she knows I wouldn't want her having relations on the side — with a man or a woman. Likewise, I respect the fact that she wouldn't be comfortable in a relationship with me while she's still sorting out her preferences. The thing is that like me, she's not the most social creature and is somewhat shy; I don't know how long it would be before she could develop relations with a woman. Though I don't doubt her feelings, I think she may be using them to hide behind the fear of trying something new. I also think she's self-conscious about herself and her body.

I've played Mr. Nice Guy all my life and feel that I should respect her feelings, but maybe I should be more assertive. Maybe I should kiss her and let her know we have a good thing that doesn't come along every day. Not to sound selfish — because I do care for her — but shouldn't I take into account what I need for a change? — Jonathan J., Santa Rosa, Calif.

DEAR JONATHAN: Self-interest is quite different from selfishness. That said, it may be time for you to sit back and cogitate a bit before declaring undying love. Are you ready for such a complicated relationship? This is no minor snag we're discussing; this "stumbling block" has tripped up countless relationships and caused terrible pain. And while your fair lady is edging toward her unexplored curiosity's fulfillment, are you supposed to sit and wait with bated breath? I think not. This is dangerous territory you're considering entering, dear Jonathan, and I, for one, have great trepidation. Yes, you are indeed deserving of fulfillment, of having your needs met by this wonderful woman. BUT will you always be wondering where she is and what she's doing — and with whom? Will you always be questioning your own ability to please her, physically and emotionally? How will it feel to share your beloved with faceless women? I see this relationship eroding your self-confidence, making you feel that you never measure up. This stumbling block could be a deal breaker. Move very, very slowly.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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