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Interplay
DEAR SUSAN: No disrespect intended, but as a happily married woman, I have a take on fellow blogger J's situation: J, I've seen many of your posts, and in my eyes, you sound entitled and desperate. You constantly make references to …Read more.
Single Land
DEAR SUSAN: One of my fellow bloggers still seems a bit upset that he hasn't found a keeper yet. Well, I was in the same position he is. In fact, I have been in "single land" since 2007 and most likely will be for the rest of my time. But …Read more.
Digging
DEAR SUSAN: My definition of singlehood is not having a significant other. I'm reminded of my own singleness every day when I see couples together — contrasted with the way singles are treated. I personally have no desire to stay unmarried. …Read more.
Common Cause
DEAR SUSAN: I find that most angry/bitter single people are that way because they are trying to date "up" instead of looking for someone who has more in common with them financially and in terms of appearance and fitness. Think about it! …Read more.
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Pressured TogethernessDEAR SUSAN: I'm a 40-year-old single mother. I've been divorced twice, and I've been dating a man for a year. We share many interests, and I care deeply for him. He does, however, have two traits that are beginning to be of concern. He is irresponsible about money, with a bankruptcy and home repossession in his past. Also, he has education debts and no retirement savings. If we continue to "date," there's no problem. But I know his attitude toward money (at age 54) makes him unsuitable as a long-term partner. (Although with my history, I'm in no rush to think about living together or marrying.) But it's the other issue that's more of a daily concern. He wants to see or talk to me and makes no plans with anyone else in case I'm free. Now, I'm very busy with two teenagers and a full-time job. I do enjoy his company when we're together but am feeling coerced to spend more time with him and to reassure him that I miss him when we go several days without seeing each other. The truth is I'm perfectly content not seeing him for a few days. Does that mean that I'm not ready for an intimate relationship or that he's too needy and I should put a halt to things? I know, from his hints, that he sees our relationship as "the one." I'm starting to think that it's definitely not the one. Friends advise me to wait until my sons are off to college and my life has settled a bit before making any drastic decisions. What do you think? — Joline J., Long Island, N.Y. DEAR JOLINE: Sticky wicket, this. On one hand, you're beset by his demands, yet you're not at a stage where anything more permanent is desirable — or even possible, as proved by your choice of dating partner. (You've seen him for a year, yet only now are you getting restless about the financial and emotional danger signals?!) The remedy, my dear, is not to listen to your friends — or your restless heart — but to him. Radical idea, talking this over with the person who's the problem! (Why is it that with all the cell phones and BlackBerrys out there, very few of us dare talk about the big things, the important issues? Agreed, that's for another column, another time.
Arrange a quiet, private place for the two of you to share private thoughts undisturbed by work, children or friends. Just the two of you, being honest and open. If you can bear it, make time for it. Take the phone off the hook, and prepare for a session in real togetherness. Perhaps for the first time — it sounds that way to me — spill the beans. Kindly and gently but firmly! Tell him your money doubts and your time constraints, and quietly reveal that you value alone time even in a relationship with him. (Surprise. He may have been too conflicted to admit it, but he may very well feel the same way. Bingo.) One thing may lead to another; the tone of the dialogue may shift and change, but pretty soon you'll know how to handle the situation. Remember: Be kind. No need to raise your voice or trot out every grievance you have. The longer you two speak the surer you will be about the outcome. What you want from the relationship. Whether you want to end it or let it continue, on a more honest keel. Prepare your thoughts in advance of the talk, and then arrange for it to happen. It's got to happen. DEAR SUSAN: Just need some advice. Suppose you want to ask a girl out, but she works in a crowded store and people are always nearby. It's kind of awkward if you're standing on line while she's ringing up the cash register. How can I do it? — Peter K., New York City DEAR PETER: Use the waiting time to come up with some clever opening lines. Some ideas that popped into my blond head: Buy a stuffed animal (with a tiny heart around the neck), and present it with a handwritten note when you're next in line for her attention. (But first, to save yourself money and embarrassment, make sure her ring finger's empty.) Write very few words, but make them colorful. Above all, be sincere. She'll appreciate that. And if she doesn't, well, move a few steps and get on another line. Lots of nice women out there, and you can bet they're shopping for more than a sweater. Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com. COPYRIGHT 2010 CREATORS.COM
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