Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: Thanks for putting us men in perspective. I especially like this sentence you wrote: "Fatherhood is a rite of passage and an astonishing rebirth that brings out men's humanness and emotionality." I have two sons and cannot think of a better way to describe their relationships with their children. (One is a single parent and has raised two wonderful children, a girl and a boy, to become mature adults.) I can still recall the birth of our first child as a turning point in my life as a man, a husband and a (new) father. It was — and still is — a change in my life that has affected me very positively.

My wife and I have been married 46 years, with seven children and 11 grandchildren. She agrees that your sentiments are a very wonderful tribute to those men who share the wonder of being a parent. — Clarence F., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR CLARENCE: This is a seminal issue of our time. You can see society's low esteem for the males of the species at every turn. In televised commercials, fathers are reduced to dependent children who must be humored and tolerated. Honor and respect are glaringly absent from the father's place in the family group. It is the mother, the female, who is sought out for advice and comfort. As for dear Dad, well, he's around somewhere, puttering around in the garage or at his workbench. He's rarely part of decision-making, relegated to the status of also-ran in his children's affections and — gasp — no longer desired as a romantic partner. That part of his masculinity has been forgotten, devalued. But in the real world, fatherhood is still very much a priority in the male mindset. More and more men are fighting for custody, according to divorce attorneys, and (happy to report) are winning. Behind this turn of events is a growing recognition that men can fill the role of parent/mentor very nicely, thank you very much. Indeed, there are instances in which men can be better at "mothering." (Do I hear a rebuttal?) It's about time we reinforced the male ego in substantive ways, by welcoming him into the nursery. They've been shut out of that room for too long. But ever so slowly, the door is opening. The stroller is being pushed by two male hands. Bravo.

PARENTING UNLIMITED. And while we're on the subject, a word about activism.

The parental kind. Parents may have the best intentions, but if they don't go to bat for their offspring, if they're not activists, it doesn't benefit them. Children (your sacred trust) want you to stay current in their lives. Go to PTA meetings; speak to their teachers; be familiar with their extracurricular groups and interests. Get involved, without, of course, crowding them out of their personal space. Stand behind the table selling brownies in school; attend their school's plays and lectures whenever possible. In other words, make their doings your top priority. And let them know that! The early days rush by in the wink of an eye, but they will remember what you did — and didn't do. (I can still see my dad behind the wheel of our car, driving me on the long trip to Northampton for a college interview.) In a way, all that parents can give their children is their time. It's the most honest measure of devotion.

DEAR SUSAN: Being a singleton has been my life for the past 23 years. After a brain injury at age 10, I stayed mostly to myself in terms of socializing. My friendships through junior and senior high school (difficult times for all of us) were more awkward for me than for most people, so I made friends with the school staff. As an adult, now 34, I still spend a lot of time on my own. I do have friends — good friends — but at times, it feels more comfortable to be alone.

Having lived with someone for a while, I'm aware that being in unison with someone takes more than physical compatibility. You have to be there for the person emotionally and, at times, spiritually, as well. I believe my "alone time" has made me someone who will be better able to create a long-lasting relationship with "Ms. Right," if she really does exist. — Philippe G., Cherry Hill, N.J.

DEAR PHILIPPE: As you intuit, comfortable aloneness is the best preparation for lasting partnership. Your path to that ironic truth has been unusual, but it has resonated deeply. You're an apt student of lessons life wants us to learn. My suggestion? Nurture your connections to those relationships that satisfy, and whenever possible, work to expand your reach into the outside world. Be alert to personal signs of "hermitude" and "old maidism," warnings of excessive time alone. Stay flexible, adaptable and tuned in to the times. Join interest groups, perhaps also classes, and work to find personal meaning in your life. Every day brings challenges, but with them come laughter and personal triumph. Your life has developed your very beautiful soul.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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