Single File by Susan Deitz

From AskMen.com, this is about the older woman/younger man thing. On that site, the older woman is called a "cougar." I kind of like the term because it captures her intensity, ferocity and feline sensuality. Women older than 30 know what it's about and have the power (and determination) to pursue their prey. That said, let's take a peek at what the site has to say. Afterward, let me know your reactions, visceral and otherwise.

"Common sense dictates that you cannot be 40 years old and single, and not have a significant amount of baggage. Ex-boyfriends, husbands, children, ex-step-children, pending divorces, business pressures, financial obligations, and debts can often be part of the package.

"You must be ready and willing to accept this reality if you are going to get romantically linked with an older woman. This is not to say that you will be asked to deal with these issues per sé; rather you must realize that an older woman generally has more to worry about than that bushy-tailed co-ed at your dorm.

"One cannot deny the allure of the older woman, younger man relationship. But, this relationship remains slightly taboo, unlike the other way around, where the man is much older than the woman, which is perfectly acceptable. …

"Like it or not, by getting involved with an older woman, you are putting yourself in a situation where the moral majority — people like your parents and boss — will frown upon you. On the up side, you may become your buddies' hero, and they will start begging you to reveal what it's like."

And now some comments from readers of the site, edited for grammar:

—I'm 36, and my girlfriend is 51. In the course of eight months, we went from meeting to being in a serious relationship. We get some stares in public, but I have gotten over it. She is very attractive, mature and fun. I can't even imagine her not being in my life at this point!

—I'm a 39-year-old woman who has always dated younger men. It's exciting right now because of the acceptance level these days! I love the carefree nature of my relationship (with a 31-year-old), and he loves our sexual freedom.

—I'm 24, and my girlfriend is 36.

I love everything about her. Older women are a lot different from younger women, but you will find young mature women and vice versa.

—I don't like the expectation that older women who like younger men are only looking for boy toys or short-term sexual relationships. If that's your thing, fine. But at 38, I haven't given up on having a real and intimate relationship, and I seem to prefer younger men. If anything, I prefer them because they're more commitment-oriented; it's the 40-something playboys I'm "supposed" to be dating who don't seem to be interested in commitment.

My comment? The irony here is that younger men do seem much more marriage-minded, willing and able to commit their love. It's the women (older, in this case) who are shy about marrying their junior. This was one of the astounding findings in my survey, and it still seems counterintuitive. When I update the survey, I plan on making this issue one of the leading queries. You'd think that in this advanced state of civilization, we'd have come around to bilateral and complete acceptance of the older woman/younger man gem. What's your take on this?

DEAR SUSAN: Following divorces, I've seen a lot of parents become excessively tolerant of inappropriate behavior by their children. While this may win parents some peace and assuage their guilt in the short run, in the long run it teaches children that they can get away with being unkind, selfish or manipulative. This indulgence only isolates children in the long run and hampers their ability to form deeper relationships as they grow up.

If your reader's girlfriend has some questions about his daughter's behavior, he may want to do some serious thinking before he writes her off as a cold fish. My ex-fiance's daughter drove an irrevocable wedge between us. I loved them both. But I knew that if he didn't expect her to respect me, there was nothing more I could do. His indulgence and defense of disrespectful behavior on her part pushed the relationship past the point that it could be saved. — Wiser Now in North Carolina

DEAR WISER: What more is there to say? Guilt can make a perfectly rational adult do the most self-defeating things. And there is no guilt as deep or as awful as that of a parent repentant for disrupting his child's life. Divorce has many shock waves, few of them with positive reverberations. Still, much of its downside can be mitigated by a wise and dedicated parent with a counselor's guidance.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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