Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: I've been dating a lady for some time now; we know each other well. What worries me is that she reminds me of my ex-wife, so much so that I fear things will turn out the same as they did in my failed marriage. She smothers me with her love, just as my ex did. I'm at a loss. I've tried to cool things down, but she interprets that as a put-down. — Chaz C., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR CHAZ: Oops. You've done it again. Chosen a woman who seems familiar — too much so. Because this dear lady isn't likely to change her spots, you've been elected by a majority of one (little ol' you) to deliver the exit lines. Yes, Chaz, you chose her, so you disown her. It's not going to be a pretty scene, but unless you hanker for a second failure, you need to leave. Quickly. You know, the classic "Seinfeld" breakup line — "It's not you; it's me" — in your case happens to be 100 percent true. This whole mismatch can be laid at your feet. You met a woman; after a few dates, you sensed she was (painfully) familiar, and you did nothing about it. You allowed this travesty to continue, piling up one episode after another, without curbing or changing behavior you disliked in your first wife, without ever airing your feelings to this unsuspecting woman. (Which brings me to the question of how much she suspected, but speculation isn't important here.) And so you're faced with the gory mission of backing out of a relationship. Never easy, never pleasant. But it must be done. Do it.

DEAR SUSAN: There are genuinely nice guys, and enough women (and men) like them that they don't spend time writing about why women prefer such jerks. Nice guys probably don't do that very much, only ones who think they are. Or possibly some who may be nice but are so socially inept no one stays around to dig deeper.

An illustration of my point: When "Mr. Nice Guy" complains that women love the men who mistreat them, etc., his friends answer him with, "Not to mention the guys who misrepresent their intentions for emotional manipulation and present a facade of friendship to score." To which the clueless complainer says, "Exactly!" — Claude M., Santa Rosa, Calif.

DEAR CLAUDE: Hmm. You've noticed, have you, that the really good guys, the through-and-through nice ones, are snapped up as fast as an anteater laps up termites? (Forgive the analogy, but it was the first that crossed my mind.) But what about the others, the NGs who are shy, bland, the ones who say no at a Sadie Hawkins dance? The caped crusader (me) is here to defend them! Believe me; there are oodles of those fellows, too nice (aka timid) to make the cut. And they need a voice. The point here — and I know this in my own life — is that too often they go unnoticed. They're too fat or too skinny or too something else to be noticed. And so they slink home after another dateless singles event, lousy self-image reinforced. But that doesn't have to be, not if we women upgrade our eyesight. If we take the time to train our instincts to sense a good guy in hiding. I met a really terrific scientist at a political party (love them!) and quickly sensed a good mind. Very sexy, to this columnist, a fine mind. He was fat, yes, and a bit awkward around the female gender. But I stuck around and went home with him. He turned out to be really interesting — a must for me — and went on a diet soon after we met, introduced me to some of his friends, and was instrumental in starting what turned out to be my life's work. Moral? Don't judge a book by its cover. There might be some pretty nice pages tucked inside. Nice guys take a bit of scouting out. They come in all shapes and sizes.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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