Old Maidism by Susan Deitz on Creators.com

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As Is DEAR SUSAN: I guess that at this stage of life (age 63), I'm willing to be the exact same man a woman wants, as long as that doesn't involve change. Sounds kind of selfish at first hearing, but I expect to return the favor — or not find her …Read more. Courage DEAR SUSAN: If, as you believe, courage is the passport from old stale patterns, then only the brave are sure to get their dreams fulfilled. But if the answers to our questions are inside us, why don't we just take a peek? — From the …Read more. Womanstrong DEAR SUSAN: Your quiz question about whether strong, assertive women turn men off made me write to you. Even men with assertive, strong mothers seem to like women who are bubbly and interesting without being too independent. Often, it is hard for me …Read more. Sorting Sex, Part 1 The best way to do these questions justice is to read them through in one sitting, let them marinate awhile and then read them again and give your responses. Some may trigger immediate responses; others take more thought. But however you approach …Read more.

Old Maidism

DEAR SUSAN: I've been unmarried all my life, but lately I've been worried that I'm becoming too set in my ways. Living alone, I don't have to explain to anyone why I like things done my way. But I'm worried this could keep me from sharing my life. What would you advise? — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Of all the things you can do to remain flexible, avoiding an unbreakable routine is key. For example, if you grocery shop on Saturday mornings without fail, even though it can be done in the evening after work, you are ripe to begin bending your own rule — and for a week or two give after-hours marketing a slot in your routine. See how liberating it feels to be freed from the slavery of the fixed routine — and start freeing yourself from other "must-do" chores. This liberation will, in time, extend to other parts of your life that you somehow allowed to gain a footing. The importance of un-routinizing your life can't be overstated, because you can't really be close to someone if you can't cede a bit of your sovereignty. I'm happy to read that you've intuited this. Bravo.

Volunteer for a crisis hotline, or help distribute food to the poor. The stated goal is to shake things up, but the good it does goes way beyond that. Put yourself on call one weekend a month at the hotline; your biorhythms may be thrown for a loop, but you'll prove to yourself they're at your command, not vice versa. Then look around your home for signs of super-neatness — i.e., milk on the left in the fridge, without fail. Compulsive order is a sign of "my way or the highway." For a test, leave your bed unmade and dishes in the sink for days running. I guarantee that lightning won't strike. And think about taking a puppy into your home.

Nothing can produce more messiness — all of it excusable — than a puppy. And then there's the parenting experience, guaranteed to shift priorities overnight. Being godmother to a friend's child or corresponding with an underprivileged child overseas puts things into perspective. Helping is a win-win strategy. It's a proven way to outwit the preoccupation with self that's always lurking in single life.

DEAR SUSAN: Your column about the young girl mixed up with Mr. Wrong sent chills down my spine. The man has "abuser" written all over him. And the daughter needs assistance getting away from him as soon as possible. Although the letter from her father was short, it laid out the classic abuser traits: The victim is kept away from family and friends and devolves into social isolation; the victim feels numb, helpless; the victim exhibits very low self-esteem, when she was once confident; the victim shows major personality changes (an outgoing woman becomes withdrawn) and can become sick, anxious, depressed or suicidal. Please warn the people in this family they are dealing with a very serious situation. The daughter must be given a list of the classic signs of abuse, where to turn for help, knowledge that her family is there to help her, abuse hotline numbers, etc. The last thing the family wants is for her to become an abuse statistic down the road. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: You must remain nameless and faceless, but please know that letters such as yours are so helpful, so informative and so assured of getting enough newsprint and online exposure that the lives at risk in this column can be saved. You've given this family much more than hope; you've passed along solid facts and a reasonable warning that will alert the family members to the depth of their daughter's problem. Your letter will give them impetus to guide their daughter to the sort of help she needs. Imagine. The power of readership is strong enough to rebuild lives. May your name be for a thousand blessings.

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at sumor123@aol.com.