DEAR SUSAN: In general, the more desperate one is the less likely one should do it. Desperation and impulsiveness alone are excellent signals that a person is about to do something foolish, that the emotions are too strong for a wise choice, and that it's a good time to postpone the action or to bring in a calm third party. A desperate need to marry — now, today — may not in every case be a big fat sign you shouldn't marry today, but in perhaps 99 cases out of 100, it really, really is. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Walking around this old globe while sending out needy signals tells everyone you meet that you're an empty vessel in extreme need of a filling station, i.e., the first partner willing to do the work. But don't kid yourself; the filling-station partner demands a fee, and the transaction isn't pretty. In return for filling the need for love, the partner demands a pound of flesh — which, in this case, means total surrender of personal power and identity. The awful irony of this sort of partnership is that much resentment builds up in the person being "filled." The love that person so badly needed turns to anger quite quickly, and a bad ending is in store. No one except yourself can make you feel loved until you love yourself.

None of us wants the burden of holding up another person. Men have given up the savior role and wisely encouraged us to save ourselves. And we're up to the challenge.

The lesson is that no one outside ourselves can fill our needs. Yes, of course, there is romantic love, the one need that can only be filled by another. But it's a huge mistake to make it a primary need, to define yourself by what you lack. For sure, romance is delicious, but while it's not in the stars, make it incidental. Get out there and sparkle.

DEAR SUSAN: It's pretty clear that most singles are having lots of sex. Dating today does encompass either sex or the near-future possibility of it. You just have to go where the singles are to know that. It's OK that you have an old-fashioned and conservative view, but it's not been the norm for at least a few decades. There are even plenty of surveys that have shown just that. And for the record, I don't think it's bad or wrong to hang out with a friend of the opposite sex, but if you are not sleeping together and have no intention of doing so, then you're not dating. And that's fine, too. I'm not passing any value judgment. But it's unrealistic and totally out of touch to suggest that dating doesn't necessarily include sex. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Odd that my survey of single sexuality (nationwide, drawing 1,900 responses) shattered the myth of the swinging single. I began the project sensing that the unmarried may have a brief flare-up of bed-hopping immediately after a divorce — sensing newfound freedom — but that proved unsatisfactory pretty quickly. So most of the divorced and widowed quickly reverted to the conservative take on sex they had before marriage. And the swinging? Mostly done by the married, escaping the feeling of being "owned" or adding zest to the same old, same old. Are you saying that dating is always sexual and that if it isn't, well, it just ain't a date? Whoa. Time to mull this one over. Readers' comments are very much welcome.

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