Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: My question is this: Is it OK to stay married for the kids? I'm married with two children, ages 5 and 8. My husband and I started as best friends, and though I agreed to marriage because I was pregnant, my husband and I can be a great team, and I couldn't imagine life without his friendship. When we met, he was a kind, loving, generous and very spiritual man who had spent years in 12-step recovery and had really changed his life — all the makings of a good husband and a good father. We began counseling right away to deal with our relationship issues and continued until two months ago, when I lost my job and mental health insurance.

Things were great between us until my son was born. At that point, my husband became reclusive and relapsed into addiction, pornography being the drug he chose. In therapy, I addressed these issues, but he sank into the pit of denial. Our kids were suffering, and so was I. I threatened to leave if he didn't get help. He didn't, but instead of leaving, I had an affair. This was two years ago. My husband discovered the affair, but we "reunited" for about a year, things going well. My dilemma? To go or to stay. He works hard and comes home every night. He doesn't hit me or verbally abuse the kids. I cannot think of a good reason to leave other than my unhappiness, plus the fact that the kids are on the receiving end of a father who is self-centered and self-absorbed, an addict in active mode.

Please give me some clarity and an emotionally detached opinion. How many times do you give someone a chance to change? — Nadine G., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR NADINE: Before you and I do some heavy talking, promise yourself some sessions with the therapist familiar with the facts that brought you to this crossroads decision. Two young lives hang in the balance, your top priority.

But — and I feel this strongly — talk this through with your counselor until you see the future clearly. And when you do, make detailed, realistic plans before taking action. (At a later date, it would do well to explore your reasons for choosing an addictive mate; that inquiry can be postponed.) Your immediate goal is to establish a nurturing home life for the three of you. Until you can, give your children plenty of time and attention; they need stable mothering more than ever. And please consider bringing this column with you when you return to your therapist. It may help on the journey ahead.

DEAR SUSAN: The man I love told me he's not "into" our relationship anymore. Three weeks ago, he said I was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Lately he's been confused about his work; he's had two job offers that would move him away from this area, and he must make a decision in the next month or so. Is that why he's so confused? Should I fight for him or let him go? — Sandy S., Moline, Ill.

DEAR SANDY: Both, girl. Fight for him by letting him go. The wise woman bends with the situation, using the other's energy by aligning with it. This is an ancient Asian technique that, subtle and extremely powerful, can work wonders. (No guarantee of marriage included, but it's a sure thing your man will be addled like never before. And admiring? He'll see you in a whole new light — with heightened respect that's sure to add zing to the relationship.) Right now, he expects the usual from you — cling and sob and sigh — which might be appropriate for some other femme, but not for you! You, wise woman, will adopt the pillow technique. Not a tear-stained pillowcase in sight.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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