Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: I'm smart; I've been told I'm pretty; I'm talented; I'm creative. The problem? I'm shy. Not around everybody, mostly around men. And it certainly doesn't help that guys never speak to me. Why? And how can I overcome this shyness thing? — Sondra S., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR SONDRA: This may come as a surprise, but your shyness stems from too much "I-ness" (translation: an overabundance of self-consciousness). In other words, you've been over-focusing on yourself when men are in the vicinity, with negative results. Men may slink away from you because they (mis)read your aura as snobbishness or indifference. And so the beat goes on, both parties feeling too unsure to take a stab at friendliness (and both scoring higher on the insecurity meter). How to vanquish the shyness monster? Make friends with men. Get to know what makes them tick. Discover how similar they are to women, how they have many of the same dreams and nightmares. My book "Single File" lays out an Exercise in Singleness that will help you ease into friendship with men in your daily life — the clerk at the corner deli, the salesman in a nearby cubicle, the fellow who delivers the office mail. They don't make your heart throb, but they can be valuable in helping you learn more about their thinking. And that's the point. By the way, you'll find many more exercises in the book.

You need to tone your non-shyness muscles, and the first step is (gasp) to ask a male co-worker to lunch. Choose one who's been friendly but not flirtatious, and tell him that you want to know men better and that you thought he'd let you pick his brains. Both of you may be nervous at first, but by the time the hamburger arrives, he'll be doing most of the talking, and you'll be listening ... hard. Sooner or later, the talk will turn to dating, women and love. At this point, I'm pretty sure you'll be on the edge of your seat. Forget everything else for the moment, and soak up one man's view of the dating scene. It may change you forever. (NOTE: Make this kind of invitation regularly, to men you know and those you want to know better.

But that's in the future; for now, your mission is to demystify men. It won't take you long to realize that they're not scary or terribly different, that they, too, want to know — really know — the gender wrongly touted as "opposite." They, too, want to build bridges, not walls, in relationships.) Make this a lifelong project, and pretty soon you'll discover shyness is a thing of the past. Guaranteed.

"SINGLE FILE" THOUGHT: So many readers complain that romance is dead. My opinion? Romance isn't moribund, not at all; it's simply overstressed from too many years of one-sidedness. But it's my sense that women are about to breathe new life into the situation, readying to assume the responsibility that comes along with being an equal love partner. The undependence (aka wholeness) women are weaving into their lives can prove to be the linchpin of a very smooth transition into partnership with a beloved. Comments?

DEAR SUSAN: I've been attracted to a special woman for two years. But she isn't ready to commit, while I am. So I decided to take time out and forget her. But she keeps on calling me, supposedly just to see how I'm doing. I am definitely confused, but at the same time, I'm learning how friendship between a man and a woman can grow without sex at the beginning. Any advice on how to proceed? — Liam B., Peoria, Ill.

DEAR LIAM: Clever you, sufficiently intrigued by the concept of a relationship's being nonsexual to allow it plenty of room to grow and flourish. Many men would hastily push it away, their manhood on the line. Obviously, your ego is strong enough to take the blow, bend with it, and continue meaningful conversation with the woman behind it. And just look at the reward you're reaping — discovering the wonders that can occur when partners can't solve their differences in the bedroom, when conversation takes the place of touching. True listening is promoted, and genuine liking is possibled. Your woman is onto something rare; you would do well to follow her lead. Phone her to talk over a problem. Give her the chance to be part of your life in an intimate and meaningful way. Allow her to lead you on her path, on her timetable. Proceed with wisdom and respect. This relationship has true potential.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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