Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: I'm 24 and divorcing after five years of marriage. My wife left me with our two boys (she met someone else), and I'm single for the first time in a long time. I've had chances to go out, but I just can't seem to follow through. Every time I think about my wife, I lose all desire to be with a woman. She was my first love, and lonely as I am, her memory is too strong. — Cliff C., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR CLIFF: It's a mixed blessing to be learning life lessons so young. They hurt day and night, and there's not much experience that can dilute them. BUT (a big one) you're so young and tender that chances are more than good that you'll find another love to soothe your soul and fade old memories. But for your sons' sake, don't rush. They need you to be the source of love and comfort in their small universe, to do double duty day and night. That may sound like a heavy chore, but it just might be the most fulfilling job you'll ever have. (Read that again, slowly, and let it sink in to your psyche.) These two angels depend on you to convince them they didn't deserve to be abandoned, that their mother still adores them from afar. Restoring their self-esteem is your primary job, and if it takes a therapist to work with the three of you, so be it. You don't want to date because you're not ready, and that's the blessing in your predicament. Right now, your fulfillment will be the smiles and the joy you put into your children's lives. That's the challenge — and the wonder — of being a single parent. My sense is you'll grow up fast to meet it.

DEAR SUSAN: The man I was engaged to suddenly became very irresponsible a few months before the wedding, and things got so bad I had to call it off.

The problem is that even though my upbringing didn't approve of premarital sex, I didn't wait. Now I feel hurt and cheated. How can I get over this feeling, and what can I tell someone new about this? — Georgina N., Portland, Ore.

DEAR GEORGINA: For openers, a conversation (or two or three) with a therapist might be in order right now. Make sure the one you choose (after meeting a few) makes you feel at ease and is someone you can trust. After all, you'll be opening up about secrets and guilty feelings, and you don't need a double dose of blame and shame. You seem to be doing pretty well at that yourself, which is why you need to talk this through. You are not a fallen woman, far from it. So you need to examine what happened during your engagement (your fiance's irresponsibility could have been a case of cold feet) so that it isn't repeated and so that you can enjoy the rest of your single days without inordinate shame. When you fall in love again — and you will — you'll know more about men (and yourself!) if you seize this opportunity to explore what happened. It's a second chance, always a rare bit of good luck.

THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Men are the real romantics of our species. I've been saying that for eons, to the consternation of some — not too many — readers. I'm more convinced of that every time I hear a love song. Incidentally, how many female songwriters can you name who have composed a love song? I rest my case. (Your comments welcomed.)

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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