Single File by Susan Deitz

The ongoing battle to hold on to our personhoods while in relationships takes a bit of doing, requiring self-confidence and self-awareness. But what about allowing your beloved to be an individual? What about having the maturity (hate the word) and wisdom (better one) to grant them — nay, encourage them to own — Texas-sized breathing space to be themselves? Risky business, that. We don't know the direction their growth will take them, and loss is a distinct possibility. But take it from me; the ability to allow loved ones their own destinies is what separates the children from the adults in the very grown-up game of love. Playing your cards loosely takes guts, for sure. Still, it is the ONLY way to earn the respect and esteem that are at the bottom of real togetherness.

Cloying jealousy is, on the other hand, the absolute wrong way to establish a home in your beloved's heart for all time. Some mistake possessiveness for love, but it's not long before the real story is told, the insecurity and childishness behind the tantrums that once seemed to be proof of undying devotion. That painful discovery signals the end of love and all that could have been.

But don't mistake letting go for "openness." True love has its boundaries and its rules, as understood and agreed to by both beloveds.

This is freedom all grown up and ready to stand on its own, not in the shadow of the beloved but not far away, either. (Actually, a cheating sex life has no place to be nourished by the sunlight, so it erodes the core relationship with conflicting loyalties and diluted affection. This is not at all the freedom implicit in a healthy partnership.) We're talking about the vaulted openness of spirit, the generosity shared by committed lovers that gives them their own space, their own minds, their own personhoods.

One form of so-called "love" gives control to one partner. It masquerades as true concern for the Other while exercising strict dominion over him or her; separation of any kind is deeply discouraged. Over time, the control is complete, but the cost is exorbitant. Conscious or not, the controllee builds up layer after layer of resentment; the accumulation erupts in mood swings, fits of temper or long silences. However cloaked, the desperate resentment at being controlled has long since put out the fires of love. What remains is a travesty, a sad and forlorn mockery of what could be between lovers. Lovers who must control — or must be controlled — cannot risk letting go of the beloved. So they are denied the biggest of love's payoffs — mutual respect.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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