Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR READERS: The following is an exchange between a reader (let's call her Heidi) and yours truly, provoked by my thoughts on a subject we all know well. Heidi's e-mail was in response to my column on creators.com, the syndicate that features "Single File."

Susan: Loneliness, at least my take on it, has its roots in fear — fear of being alone with private thoughts. Needing bodies around all the time is a defense mechanism that wards off one's inner life. To the person with that fear, such communion is a threat to stability, so the person must do all he or she can to keep it at bay. ... Such people have yet to realize that they are doomed to lifelong loneliness and that achieving compatibility with self is a prerequisite for finding deep and lasting love.

Heidi: I am single and live alone. I like my alone time, but I DO get lonely. I have "achieved compatibility with self," but that does not EXCLUDE loneliness. I still would like to find someone, but that doesn't mean I am fearful of being alone. In this response, you seem to believe they are mutually exclusive — alone and happy or lonely and fearful. There are other scenarios, such as mine. I don't mind my life, but it might be more fun to share it with someone. This doesn't make me the "can never be alone" type of person you describe.

Susan: Loneliness, the sort you experience — in a good life in which the one missing piece is a love partner — is, I believe, part of the human condition. Probably part of our DNA. But that's not the loneliness I'm exploring. My reference is about the men and women (married and single) who flee silence and the inner thoughts that intrude on it into the company of almost anyone simply to avoid being alone and hearing that silence.

Heidi: I agree with you. I've been single my whole life and very independent. I even go to restaurants alone, which many single women will not do. I do sometimes feel a bit rejected, but it's much more the longing to be in a loving relationship.

I know the kind of person you're talking about — must have the next one lined up before ending it with the first person or will grab the first person who glances in his/her direction. I equate it with the feeling of drowning (the fear you were talking about). They cannot stay afloat alone and are completely unwilling to try any other suggestions. I just don't know what's so scary about doing things that prove, both to yourself and to the outside world, that you can stand alone, that you are strong and independent and aren't helpless. I find it much scarier to jump into a relationship that isn't right and be stuck with someone I'm really not sure I like just so I don't have to face the boogeyman alone at night. The boogeyman doesn't scare me, nor does being alone. Most people will end up alone near the ends of their lives anyway, and of course, you die alone. So it's better to be prepared, confident and comfortable with YOURSELF rather than expect someone else to provide for you.

TICKLER: In your experience, is it possible to go from lover to friend? Is it a good thing when it works? Is it something we should strive for, or isn't it possible in the real word? Hey, friends can become lovers; why not the other way around? Write in.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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