Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: I hope my story helps Arnie, who was wondering about Internet relationships. I've had several different types of relationships online. I've done the local dating service thing; I met some guys who wanted one-night stands and others who almost immediately "fell in love." Some lied about being married; some were straight about it. Generally, I'd say it was an experience I'd not repeat, but there is an exception. I joined a chat site for American women wanting to meet British men (and vice versa). I chatted in the chat room and had fun. I found a few men and women who have become friends, and I've met some.

One woman dared me to post an ad. I did, thinking it was all in fun. Another woman wrote, "You don't know me, but I have a friend on the site I think you'd like." She turned out to be a flake, but she did connect me to one man who started writing to me. At first, our letters only laughed at her flakiness. But after a few weeks, we added instant messaging to the mix. After four months, we used webcams. Then we started calling. We talked for three or four hours a day five to six days a week. Finally, we worked up the courage to meet. It was so wonderful that we added "I love you" to letters and calls. He visited again and met my family. We're getting married in December. My daughter and I will be moving to London. It's taken us four years to get to this point; age and bad experience made us cautious. If it doesn't work, it won't be because we don't know each other.

Arnie, take things very slowly, and meet often. My friend and I went through some rough patches, but the fact that we were friends got us through. That is the key: FRIENDS FIRST! — Marion V., Great Britain (formerly Long Island, N.Y.)

DEAR MARION: What began in the spirit of good fun led to a major life change. And a new beginning. And to wisdom, perhaps? Life has a way of rewarding those who learn from life lessons and are bold enough to step away from the known. Call it courage, guts or just plain pluck; it's what keeps life dynamic. Bravo! And as for you, dear reader Arnie, heed Marion's words. Go slowly. Don't be hasty or impulsive. Time is on your side. Use it to get to know this woman as a person, a helpmeet, a friend. Share your thoughts, fears, hopes and dreams with her.

Let her inside your private world, and carefully peer inside hers. Use the electronic bridge between you to probe and test and come close. Then, as did Marion, add one more form of communication slowly, as you would a recipe's ingredients. Expect some bumps, disappointments, high times and doubts. They're all part of relationship, part of reaching for the moon. But if you have faith — in her, in yourself — the ending will be good. Remember that you can only do so much. It takes two people to shape a world, but it can be a world for two, a world shaped the way you both want it to be. Your mantra? Friends first; go slowly.

SINGLE FILE TIP: Use your days of singleness thoughtfully, mindful that they can be customized. The deeper I dig into single life the more convinced I am that adventure can elevate it beyond the fundamentals. It was my own odyssey through widowhood and single parenting — unprepared and very young — that led me to my life's work. And along the way, I watched others sweep away the rubble of the past and move forward to create their own futures. As I get to know their stories, I realize that people who build the most happiness into their lives have a zest for tomorrow, a sense of purpose and genuine curiosity to know more. I hope that describes you.

DEAR SUSAN: I was dating an older woman last year, and she invited me over to her apartment to watch some movies. (We were on the couch in the living room, and her daughter was in her room watching television.) My girlfriend wanted to have sex, but how were we supposed to do that in the middle of the living room while her 12-year-old child was in the next room? Also, the daughter goes into the kitchen for food during the commercial breaks! The living room is exposed, with no door. If my girlfriend knew I was coming over, couldn't she have made plans to drop off her daughter at a friend's house? — Val G., Peoria, Ill.

DEAR VAL: Coulda shoulda woulda. It's by far too easy to have a child. There should be testing, written and oral, before people can qualify for parenthood. (I also believe it's too easy to get married, but that's another column.) There are some mothers — and fathers — who put their own needs before those of their young. Yes, Val, this horny woman should have preplanned the evening to have her daughter off-premises. If that wasn't possible, then good judgment would have vetoed any funny stuff. And then the two of you could have used good judgment to invite the child to watch movies with you. Anyone can become a parent.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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