Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: I was seeing someone for six months, and to my mind, everything was going well. But when he came back from a business trip, he announced that he had met someone and that our relationship would have to end. However, he added that he wanted to remain friends with me. I took the news calmly and acted as if everything was still fine between us. The trouble is I'm so deeply in love with him I don't think I can handle being just friends. What should I do? — Hilary H., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR HILARY: "Let's still be friends" is the ultimate exit line — the classic farewell, uttered in mournful tones and misted with tears. Like casual sex — in which one partner has hidden hopes for something much more than casual — this brand of goodbye is not only impossible but also bad for anyone involved. You are the star victim, of course, if you stick around for the dregs of his attention. But his woman will also find the arrangement less than satisfactory, so he'll feel the heat from all sides. The emmis, of course, is that this quasi-friendship won't ever come to pass. A smart cookie (like you) deserves more than crumbs and will use the farewell moment to her own advantage — meaning, of course, that she will seize the opportunity to wish him Godspeed; and begone.

But in the privacy of your home, take a moment (or two or three) to learn from this experience. Next time, don't succumb to deep feelings before you feel your man is trustworthy. Intimacy brought you closer to this particular fellow than he deserved. Too much too soon is my diagnosis. Next time (yes, you will heal), go slowly. Go very slowly. Then good things will happen for both of you at the same time, and the trip will be a honeymoon. Think about it.

DEAR SUSAN: I'm a 23-year-old who has always been just one of the guys.

Now I'm starting to wonder whether I chose that role as a defense to avoid getting involved and being hurt. Recently I met someone who interests me a great deal, and I'm terrified! I know that if I do things correctly, there's a chance for us to be more than friends. How do I go about letting him know I see him as more than a friend, without going overboard? — Nicole H., Moline, Ill.

DEAR NICOLE: Some things are worth taking risks for, and a promising relationship is certainly one of them. (Actually, it's very high on the to-do list; take it from me.) With your keen insight and your oh-so-young age, the odds are really good that you'll make the approach in the right way, not too forward but not too reticent. Actually, your one-of-the-guys manner gives you an edge on the girlie girls; it's more comfortable (and much less daunting) for a man to be around. Hey, girl, you can have it both ways! Stay with your casual, friendly, non-threatening style; just take it up a notch and add a smile and sparkling eyes to the mix. But a word of advice: Don't surrender your winning tomboy ways for some silly stuff you imagine is more feminine! Stay with your natural self; just add some smiles and hand-holding to let him know you're romantically all there. Without going overboard, show him how happy you are when he's around. He'll see the light. In your eyes.

YOUR OPINION WANTED. The headlines say that to be married is to be outnumbered. People are getting married later and later. Fewer are getting married at all. And more couples are living together without formal marriage. (Couples who are cohabiting represent the largest segment of the unmarried population.) There are millions of one-person households. What gives? Are we riding a wave or what? Is this just a passing fad or the way of the world, a global revolution? Your thoughts, please!

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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