Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: A girl and I have been friends for eight months. Now I've decided to ask her for a date, but I know that if we were to have sex, our friendship would be destroyed. Should I forget about friendship and go for it? — Alfie G., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR ALFIE: What's it all about, Alfie? Why must sex ruin a perfectly good friendship? The best lovemaking is between partners who deeply feel connected. And why must sex come now, at the very start of a good thing? Why can't it wait and wait and wait until both of you have proved to yourselves (and each other) that this is going to be a lasting thing, a lifetime of loving for both of you? Eight months does not a lifetime make; now that you are at the friends stage, why not take it slowly, one heartbeat at a time, holding and hugging and kissing and — laughing? Have fun with her. Take the courting slowly and with the best of intentions. Save the physical stuff, the bodily sharing, for later. Learn to tantalize, to tease, to be patient with physical urges. They have their own language, and they want to be reined in; believe me. For your sake and for your friend's sake — for love itself — be a holdout, and watch how much she respects you for it. Better yet, see how good you feel about being you. Sex is meant to be the mutual expression of closeness. Closeness takes time to develop. Commune with your lady in every way BUT the flesh. I dare you. What's it all about, Alfie?

DEAR SUSAN: You've often advocated personal ads. But I always have thought people who use them are weird, so I've resisted the idea — until now. I've finally decided to try them, and the newspaper I'll use will give me an electronic voice mailbox to record a 60-second message. What should I say? Should I exchange letters and photos before we meet? My plan is just to ask for a phone number. What do you suggest? — Kelsey V., Peoria, Ill.

DEAR KELSEY: A loud and resounding No. In this important opening gambit, describe the sort of man she'll be getting. Tell her about your sense of humor, your kindness, your willingness to share, your interests, your goals, the sort of woman you want to be with.

(This should be interesting for you, so take it slowly, and be sure to write down the key words that are meaningful to you. DON'T READ the final message, but be sure to include those words.) Then — and only then — ask for her phone number, and end with giving her yours. Can you imagine her surprise and delight at that point? She'll feel safe, reassured you're no stalker, and she'll be curious to meet the man who's willing to go the extra mile. (I'd love to be a fly on the wall and see her eyes light up when she hears your message.) I'm willing to bet a week's worth of columns that no one else gives his number!

And yes, Kelsey, I do like your idea of exchanging photos and letters before meeting, but it might not be necessary after the initial phone conversation. So let this process play out, and see how you both feel about the initial meeting. Don't have too many preconceptions; they can only get in the way of true feelings. Go slowly; keep expectations middling; and give the phone number idea a try. It just might bring you the kind of woman you want.

DEAR SUSAN: Yes, I agree that abstinence can be a good thing for some of us. I not only dare to say it but also say it loudly! I am 39, and I've had only one partner since I was 16. The years between, I abstained. I met a girl a couple of years ago and, to make a long story short, I now have herpes. Safe sex? What a joke! In the heat of passion, the brain shuts down. Anyone who thinks safe sex is a cure-all hasn't seen the statistics. There are new strains of STDs that are resistant to penicillin; AIDS is spreading; need I say more? And that's not even including the emotional turmoil of casual sex! It's just not wise to give in to those feelings when you don't know the other person. — Mannie D., Cherry Hill, N.J.

DEAR MANNIE: You've said it all — and so very well — that sermon I've been preaching for eons. Sexually transmitted diseases have only gotten more exotic and virulent, specialists more baffled, and medications more complex while less able to eradicate or control them. Yours is the voice of experience, with a tale that needs telling. The wise will listen.

WEB SITES TO SHOW GRATITUDE TO OUR COURAGEOUS VETERANS: http://CommunityOfVeterans.org and http://SupportYourVet.Org.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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