Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: I'm 34 with two sons, 4 years and 8 months old. My husband just left me. Other single mothers I know find it very hard to find men to spend time with after the men learn about the kids. My husband will be supporting me for 15 years, so I won't be going to work, where at least I'd have a chance to meet someone. I would like to marry again in the future. Will I be single forever? — Natasha B., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR NATASHA: Not if you start to plan your life as if you would be! Oddly enough, the very process of planning a husbandless life will give you strength and self-confidence, two very beguiling attributes. (They will repel those frightened little boys who masquerade as men and will go far to attract the rest.)

But that's not where you should be right now, Natasha. At this stage, with such young children, you need to be giving them the quality time that's so nourishing to little souls. (It'd be nice if your folks could give you some down time; you may be planning life on your own, but asking for relief doesn't diminish your coming of age, not at all.) It's only fitting that their father be part of their lives, too, sharing the joys (and responsibilities) of caring for the people he sired. And while he's under the lens, I must confess a strong hunch that your second child was a last-ditch effort to save the marriage — and remain dependent on him. Because that's the real message in your letter, Natasha. Written in code, yes, but still clear as day. He left, and now you're looking for a quick replacement. Well, as you're learning from other single moms, men these days aren't exactly waiting for a ready-made family; they've quite enough on their plates, what with earning enough to stay afloat. Taking on three more dependents — even with child support — isn't their dream. (Who can blame them?)

It's a complicated, expensive world out there, and you don't present as a helpmeet. Which brings me back to the as-if life, the opportunity in front of you to make a life on your own terms. In your present state of mind, men you meet can sense your dependency, and they will flee. But as you stop running from your singleness and face it head-on — making the most of the time to grow into a free-standing individual — men will no longer be potential saviors. You'll have saved yourself, a most romantic position for a woman! This is a new concept for you, Natasha, an existence based on your own efforts. My whole book is based on that revolutionary premise, and it's available on Amazon.com and at your public library.

If neither of them works out, write and ask me for the book. Your letter will signal your coming of age.

DEAR SUSAN: I want very much to ask out a particular woman, but I'm not sure she even knows I exist. I'm quite shy around her and can never think of things to say. In fact, my palms get sweaty just thinking I'm about to speak to her. I make up things to say the next time I'm with her, but then I forget them. They sound so dumb. — Geoff H., Santa Rosa, Calif.

DEAR GEOFF: The dumb ones can sound the most sincere. Words from the heart have a special quality. They may not be polished movie-script dialogue, but so what? If this woman has the slightest hankering for you, she'll pick up your intent and carry it forward in her own words. If she doesn't, well, it's not a reflection on you. The problem could be something — or someone — else entirely. She could be preoccupied with a particularly knotty problem. Or — gasp — she might not be the type of person you imagine. (Worshipping from afar doesn't give you the most realistic picture, you know. For all you know, she may fall from grace the moment she opens her mouth.) Meanwhile, you've got work to do. In front of a mirror, practice some key phrases that express your feelings. Ask a friend (a good one, patient and kind) who's been in a similar situation. Ask what he did to get over his shyness and what he said when he asked a woman for a date. It's not easy being the one expected to do the asking, and if your dream woman has a heart, she'll recognize (and appreciate) heartfelt words and make the moment easier for you. One final word: Ask your sister, your brother's girlfriend, even (!) your mom what to say. Women know women best. Go to the source.

OPEN LETTER TO THE READER WHO HAS TONS OF FEELINGS FOR A WOMAN BUT ISN'T SURE SHE'S THE ONE BECAUSE HIS FEELINGS FOR HER ARE LESS INTENSE THAN THE FEELINGS HE'S HAD FOR SOME WOMEN IN HIS PAST. Relax. What you're considering isn't a sprint. And most important in the marriage marathon are endurance, timing and longevity. No matter how long you've known this woman (you didn't tell me), you still have plenty of time to get comfortable with each other in all kinds of situations, with all kinds of people. You need to know about her family — genes will out, you know — her dreams, her vision of the most important relationship in her life. You should know her moods, her temperament, her idea of family life. And does she want children? Will she give up her job when she marries? Hey, these are all important issues. And in the heat of things, they can be submerged under romantic hopes. Better to know the full picture now. Give it time — plenty of it.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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