DEAR SUSAN: I'm intrigued that other women have the same feelings I do about married men. You are so right; it's dangerous and hurtful. Yet the thought that I am attracted to such a man makes me feel guilty and bad about myself. I haven't told anyone, but I'm having an email conversation with a married friend from work. At first, we just exchanged ideas about our workplace, but his messages were so interesting that hearing from him brightened my day. Now he's away on vacation with his family, and naturally, he's stopped emailing. Obviously, we'll be friendly when he returns to work, but I do feel sort of hurt (and guilty) thinking about his family.

My work involves religious studies, and common in Buddhist and Judeo-Christian theology is the belief that having such thoughts — regardless of one's actions — crosses the line. It is what some call "emotional cheating," when one person in a relationship is not physically cheating but having intimate thoughts about another person without telling his or her partner. So though I'm aware of the problem here, I'm not sure what to do about it, because single people do come across as rude and selfish. And I fear I will never meet anyone. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: If you allow this fantasy to deepen, chances are that no one else will ever live up to it. There is nothing like a dream partner to fill your mind and fence off your heart. No real partner can ever come close to the ideal in your mind. But: It's all in your mind — in your lonely, self-criticizing mind. Who says single people are rude and selfish? Those two fantasies exist side by side in your mind, my friend, and leave little room for a real person to come along and live up to them. The bedrock, hard-to-swallow fact of the matter is that you have no relationship with this family man, that you barely exist in his reality. Harsh words, but they have the power to set you free to live a real life and, quite possibly, to love. I suggest breaking all contact with this fellow. You don't have to announce it; just do it. And consider short-term therapy. Unmarried people are just people, with the same foibles and assets. When you denigrate them, you debase yourself. My advice is to stop the silly emails and start communicating with yourself. Then you'll be able to build a real life with a real partner. Oh, how I wish it to you.

DEAR SUSAN: I'm writing about the reader whose sister exhausts people with her intensity. It sounds as if she is hyperactive and/or histrionic. She is exhausting her own brother, and that's not normal or healthy; it's more about overcoming that weakness than (as she says) it is about being true to herself. If men are avoiding her, that is a red flag and should be addressed. It's been said that when it comes to relationships, it is more about being the right person than it is about finding the right person. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Can't help but applaud your common sense for being uncommon. Too many of us (yes, including me) forget to work on ourselves in our search for love; we look and look, peering into the world with a flashlight aimed outward, everywhere but at ourselves. Could that be because the internal, personal stuff is the hardest to untangle? Could it be that we've gotten so used to our own tangled skein of foibles that we accept it as totally normal, needing no attention? Yes, it could be. And in this case, it's the diagnosis! Yet this unaware sister defends her over-the-top personality as being her true self, the one she must stand by. To use a quaint phrase, hogwash! To be true to yourself, you must first be able to know what that self is. Clearly, this overreacting woman is ignorant of her extreme personality. Hope your letter rouses her from the dream of "being true" to herself. Fingers crossed.

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at [email protected].