Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: I don't know how it happened, but now I'm dating two men. I never meant for anything serious to happen with either of them. But now I find I want to continue dating both of them. They don't know about each other, and I'm so afraid that if I do confess, I'll lose them both. Still, I can't decide between them. I told myself I'd never treat people like this, but here I sit. — Rita H., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR RITA: You mean here you sit and stew! In those quiet moments (between dates), your mind must race with all kinds of thoughts — guilty ones at the top of the list, I'm sure. That's no fun for anyone in your triangle and no way to conduct a social life (unless, of course, you're auditioning for the CIA, a possibility nearly as far-out as your current lifestyle). Look at it this way: Either you're seeing one fellow or many. But this scenario is another whole take on fast dating! I can see you now — rushing home after being with one swain (an old but colorful term) to change into a totally different look and arriving for the next date breathless, but on time. Rita, I really do hope you have an up-to-date file of each man's favorite color, dress, hairdo and pet pleasures (ahem). Better have a good memory, too, for what you said (and didn't say) and his pet name for you (and vice versa). It's for-sure splitsville if you call one man by the other's name! Each thinks he is THE one, irreplaceable and divine. At this point, I don't see how you could ever fess up to the truth without being driven out of town by both.

But enough of the levity, dear lady. This is for sure not a laughing matter. Two hearts beat faster in your sway, and you've allowed this farce to continue. Not a good situation. My solution? There's an old wives' gem of wisdom that says, "When confused about two, find a third." It's a spinoff of the clean-slate theory, and it's definitely worth considering.

CAREER AS CONNECTION. From my book "Single File": "Goal-oriented, ongoing, meaningful work is the ultimate connection, the taproot into the world around you. By its very nature, it places you in the middle of a varied support group, from the bank teller who cashes your salary check and the salesperson who sells you clothes for the office, to the people who work with you.

The routine of work itself is a bridge to the outside world, pulling you out of the self-absorption that is so limiting (and boring!) and prodding you to discover other ways of solving life's problems, other ways of structuring time and making the most of your singleness. In the most obvious way, of course, work makes you part of a larger whole, an organization that is bigger than yourself but at the same time dependent on your talents for full functioning. In that way, it is a fundamental connection to your selfhood, feeding back feelings of achievement usefulness and camaraderie so important to good mental health and a positive self-image."

The most I can wish for you is a purposeful life.

DEAR SUSAN: I have been involved in an unusual relationship for two years. I refuse to commit to her, and she does everything in her power to force me to. I made it expressly clear when we began dating that I didn't ever plan to have a "girlfriend." (I had a five-year relationship that ended badly, and I don't feel I will ever again commit to anyone.)

This girl is extremely jealous. She constantly accuses me of cheating on her and cries almost continuously. I do care about her, but I need my freedom. — Russ H., Santa Rosa, Calif.

DEAR RUSS: I'm torn. As a woman, I've learned to take men at their word. When they say they won't commit, they won't. Best to save one's energy and move on. As an advice maven to the unmarried, I preach that sermon often. (It's a classic.) As a friend also to the male gender, I say flee the scene. This woman is obsessed; you'll never find peace around her. And if you want freedom, you should have it. BUT — I bet you never thought of this — she's as terrorized by commitment as you are. Why else would she hang with you for two years? You've told her outright — and her own gut tells her — that this is a hopeless cause. But that's what she wants! Because somewhere tucked into her psyche is a secret yen to be free. Jealous fits and crying jags? Camouflage, take my word. Be kind in your farewell scene. Be firm, as well. Both of you will be better off — much better off — in the single scene.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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