Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: I recently answered a questionnaire from a local "singles club," which claims it can match you with someone of the opposite sex using your answers to the questionnaire. I've committed to an interview but haven't put down any money yet. Are these services OK, or are they just big rip-offs? — Tim H., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR TIM: Hard to say. Chances are small that you'll find the love of your life through a questionnaire — no matter how detailed — but then again, it could happen. My best thought? Your whole slant on women could change if you shifted from seeing them as "opposite" to "other." I know it's not quite that simple, Tim, but it could be the first step toward friendship (gasp) with the gender. From there, the next step could be away from dating "services" that charge an arm and a leg — and usually exploit the socially hungry — to finding a social life on your own terms. Yes, it means actually going new places and meeting new people. Takes a bit of gumption, that. And yes, it means a few seconds of discomfort as you come face to face with someone of the — ahem — other sex, until you two find common ground. It's a game of odds, frankly. The more chances you take the better your odds are of coming across a really nice someone. The more meetings the more odds pile up in your corner.

The very best arena for these meetings? Interests. It really doesn't matter which ones attract you, because the point of it all is to charge you up with enthusiasm so that conversation is unforced and finds common ground. You're talking about the great indie film you just saw as part of a film group, and she's chatting on about her thoughts on it because she saw the same one. With that commonality, you two can wander off for coffee and make history together. That seems to me to be far more stimulating and mind-expanding than a forced, awkward meeting following a fee-for-"service" from an agency that couldn't care less about your deep-down happiness. The service's prime concern is the fee, and it's not concerned with much else.

My suggestion is to spend a few days asking friends about their experiences with this "service." Then ask the "service" for a list of satisfied clients you can contact.

My bet is you'll never receive it, that you'll tiptoe into some groups doing what you like to do, and after a few heart palpitations, you'll find a welcoming group — and lots of good, interesting talk. There may well be a few women there who are also a bit shy. (In my book, shy people are the most genuine, the nicest of the bunch.) Save your hard-earned money for tennis or golf lessons, cooking classes or ... (to be filled in as you please).

DEAR SUSAN: I'm 31 and in the middle of a divorce. About a year ago, I met a 19-year-old girl, and we became very good friends — only friends. Life being what it is, she went her way and we lost contact. Two weeks after my wife left, she re-entered my life and wants to be more than friends. I enjoy being with her but do worry about the age difference. — Kendall L., Cherry Hill, N.J.

DEAR KENDALL: Sticky wicket, this. But the differences between you in life experience can save the day and offer a solution to the dilemma. The key? Full and open disclosure (total transparency, as they say on Wall Street). She already knows you're in limbo and not ready for commitment, but that need not preclude shared fun and lots of togetherness. Don't let her move in, and don't promise any long-term anything; just enjoy each other and laugh at the vagaries of fate, which brought you together for a second time. Be upfront, and leave the next step up to her. Because you're in no condition to make another commitment (I hope) and you make it clear the relationship is nonexclusive, by all means, see her on a date basis. (She may want more than friendship, but you're too vulnerable and unsure to get deeply involved, which sexual intimacy tends to do!) I strongly advise you to go very slowly with your Pygmalion. Enough said.

"SINGLE FILE" TIP: Make your social life a tossed salad — an interesting mix of old and young, male and female, single and coupled. Bring together people of all colors, races, religions. Gather them on the basis of kind natures and active minds, and watch the room steam with excitement. (The tossed-salad concept ensures individuals keep their identities rather than blend into sameness.) Now's the time to widen your world with good people. They're out there, waiting.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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