Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: It's hard for me to meet people, so I'm considering dating services. But the thing is they don't seem natural. — Ralph G., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR RALPH: Paying for a social life is an affront to human dignity — a crime that should merit punishment: something on the order of, say, being pushed into first dates with complete strangers after paying exorbitant fees for the privilege. Of all the indignities suffered by the unmarried (and there are a few), having to pay for a social life — usually feeble, half-baked and leading nowhere — may be the biggest. And the most offensive! Imagine being asked to tell an agency the details of your life and your past credentials and then being asked why you're not married. Or, to put it more delicately, just why you're paying all this money (upfront) for the privilege of being introduced to a perfect stranger, who, odds are, will turn out to be less than perfect.

The worst part of the whole scene is its multifaceted disservice. Think of it: You are robbed of self-confidence and told you cannot trust in your own ability to attract a nice someone to your side. Using a paid service to gain introductions is buying into the fiction that it can't happen. It's impossible, we're agreeing, to go into the world and find love without a third party guiding, instructing, propping us up. We're so demoralized, we announce, that only hard currency will admit us to the world of eligibles. Such a disservice to the human spirit must be quashed early on, before it takes root in the human psyche and undermines the very core belief of this column. (A crime in itself!)

No, dear Ralph, don't allow yourself to be dissuaded from your aversion to the unnatural. Dating services are unnatural, forced, contrived and usually unsuccessful. (Do you really want to meet someone whose currency as a person isn't enough to find good people?!) What you seek is compatibility, men and women whose interests — and values — mesh with yours.

Your interests are the path to such groups; they can bring you to people you never met before, a community that welcomes people of good faith. Love is waiting there. At no fee.

SAVE THE MALES. There are some truths that bear repeating. This is one of them: "Fatherhood is a rite of passage and an astonishing rebirth that brings out men's humanness and emotionality." That same reader's letter praised my "tribute to those men who share the wonder of being a parent." It rankles me that men in general get short shrift and often disrespect. The media seem to perpetuate the myth (!) that the male is inferior, less responsible, less mature — indeed, almost childlike. Without question, the media make mom the decider in matters of import. In weighty matters, the man takes the back seat in the minivan. Not good for sons to see, not good for women to see, not good for any of us. Let's save the males.

OPEN LETTER TO JANEY: The situation is you exchanged numbers with someone who now phones you twice a week but never asks you out. You did make the move and asked him out, but he used his foot cast as an excuse to turn you down. (He keeps on calling, and you wrote me in frustration, saying you can't understand his motives.) Well, before I suggest a second phone call to him, consider yourself hugged for taking the initiative and calling him. Yes, I'm advocating a second call. Friendly and asking about his recovery. Plenty of small talk, keeping it light and breezy. Friendly. (You know the tone I mean.) Not silly or flaky, just light — and interested. If this call doesn't pry interest (or a firm date), move on. He might still take some time to warm up and think your call over, but you've done enough initiating. Either way, you done good! Plus you've exercised your first-move muscles for the next shy guy. Bless 'em all.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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